Cedar, Wen, and Acacia go away pls (or not I'm not your dad)
Minor spoilers for Troubles in Otari/Menace Under Otari
Tl;dr at the end
Edit: tons of incredible advice in here! Thank you to everyone who's commented so far. I may or may not update this with the outcome of whatever happens next session as inspiration for anyone else reading along. Despite the pickle I've found myself in, this is some of the best storytelling I've had at my table and I'm loving the community and the game for helping me tell it with my friends.
We've been playing pf2e for about three or four months now (all ex-5e people) and absolutely loving it. I'm starting to get a solid grasp of the system and my players are starting to understand their characters and how to work as a team.
We're running through Troubles in Otari and about to finish out Chapter 2, The Leadbuster Lads. So spoilers for that ahead:
The party set up an ambush, but spooked Lurok and the two hellhounds before they got to the log flume to set it on fire. The party tracked them into the wilderness and they fought. Two wounded conditions later and the hellhounds are dead and the bugbear is pacified. They learn about the Leadbuster Lads and that the lads will be meeting with Lurok after he takes down the flume. So, the party frees Lurok and they head to get their wounds patched.
After getting healed, they see a column of smoke in the sky and head to investigate. Part of the flume has been burned down, putting it out of commission, but the Otari guard managed to put it out. Lardus and Henk were there, and the guards had managed to capture Lurok.
Now, two of my players are very anti-cop. Their characters of course reflect this to varying degrees, moreso that they won't stand for injustice of a certain magnitude. I decided in Menace Under Otari that Lardus was also the town treasurer and a corrupt one at that. Also, when Tamily gifted the fishery to the party, she neglected to inform them of the 500gp of unpaid land taxes associated with it, and Lardus intends to collect. I figured these two innocent things would lead to a neat little side quest that would encourage them to partake in adventure rather than just work a day job.
Well, a couple of insults/cultural misunderstandings later, and Lardus is very upset. Two foreigners (a dwarf from Rahadoum and a gnoll from The Mwangi Expanse) and a child (an elf child from Otari) were undermining his authority. Lardus (I as well) decided he needed a show of force to show that he was beyond the scope of this current adventure and their current power level. So, he indicates to one of the guards to execute Lurok, bound and sitting harmlessly in the mud, and also the party's best lead in the adventure so far.
I mean, I figured the next step of the adventure would take them there anyways, considering that's literally how it is in the book and we've done a good job following it so far.
Well, the gnoll and the dwarf are totally pissed off and decide that the Captain's life ends tonight. The elf child is staying in town to build an alibi while the other two do some certified silly stuff.
The issue is I'm almost certain this leads to death and I've never killed a character in years of DMing/GMing (I've gotten within a hair's-breadth of TPKs though and I aim for that level of danger most adventuring days). I don't feel like I've done anything so far to indicate they can handle every threat they come across (they've been near death about every other session). I've even asked them outside of the game - including extreme emphasis that this isn't your normal "are you sure?" - if they're sure about this, and they said they are.
The XP calculator for the encounter I've built is 200/80 for two level-three characters versus one CL 6 and four CL 1 enemies
I guess writing it out leads me to only one conclusion. I've communicated the threat in-game, I've double-checked out-of-game, I've offered a retcon, and I've mentioned several possible alternatives. I think what I'm asking for now is the community's strength to do what I must now do.
Tl;dr: I've asked "are you sure?" to a silly :3 plan and the party has reassured me they're ready

Well, you can have a hero. There's one right here. Look to the sky and call my name. I'll come to your rescue any time!

It is the year 198 of the Solar Calendar. The Tokyo Empire, powered by the Amaterasu power plant, has been running strong following the Great Cataclysm of two hundred years prior. It is in this society that Shinra Kusakabe lives, a social outcast who joins the Special Fire Force in hopes of making the world a better place, and proving to everyone that he isn't the devil he's made out to be.

• Character information

Key

• If Shinra is influenced by an Adolla Link, the one he is linked to will be noted in brackets, such as [Shou].
• Feats labeled [Amaterasu] take place while Shinra is mind-controlled by the First Pillar. Note that he also has his fire resistance buffed at this time.
• After the Pillars begin rising from the ocean, all pyrokinetics become stronger, which are noted with [Passive] when needed.
• ^R refers to the use of Rapid.
• ^C refers to the use of Corna.
• ^H refers to the use of Hysterical Strength.
• ^A refers to the use of an Adolla Link.
• Hover over a feat to see the chapter of occurrence.

Strength

Charging
Fire-Boosted

• Blows a hole through an Infernal's core
• Kicks Miyamoto down a street
• Cannonballs into Rekka, then bounces off in a linear path
• Folds a steel door and knocks it off its hinges
• Able to keep himself in place after Charon punches him
• Flies against Faerie's increased gravity
• [Limit] Kurono easily pushes him off-course
• [Limit] Bounces off the giant Infernal imprisoning Nataku

Not

• Tackles Arthur through a door
• Combines a dropkick with Arthur's left hook to send Miyamoto tumbling
• [Passive] Stops the moon's fall^A
• [Shou] Smashes into stone^A
• [Shou] Punches Shou^A

Fire

• Sizzles his shoe
  • Later burns through it
• He leaves behind "The Devil's Footprints"
• Shinra believes he is >= Rekka in terms of firepower
• Singes Shou's cheek
• Chars Hague's clothes, burning through his backside
• Cooks a swarm of bugs
• When Hysterical Strength is active, his flames are blue^H
• [Limit] Can't get out of a flame-retardant fabric

Lifting
Objective

• Flies while carrying four people, two unconscious, and Tamaki grabbing an area she shouldn't
• Carries Arthur while he rides Shinra like a horse
• Does 100 consecutive push-ups
• Catches Rekka's punch that splinters the concrete around them (though his face is supporting his hand)
• Carries lumber
• Joint-locks and throws a man harassing him without much body movement
• Carries two duffel bags of firefighting weapons and also Iris

Scaling

• Judo-throws Rekka, pinning him in an armbar, then uses his flames as propulsion to keep him trapped
• Holds back this dude's dagger
  • He is capable of crossing blades with Arthur
• Catches Benimaru
• Gets his wrist out of Lisa's Fishing Fire
• Blocks Shou's punch

Striking
Arms

• Punches Hibana in the face
• Moves Shou
  • Does it again
• Wallops the guy holding Inca
• Backhands Iris

Knee

• Stuns Rekka with a full-length leg slam
• Smashes Giovanni's face in and catapults him into a wall
• [Amaterasu] Hits himself in the head hard enough to break out of Amaterasu's control^A
• [Limit] Just doinks against Charon

Feet - Base
Objective

• At the moment of impact, creates an explosion with his foot
• With a flying kick, smashes sheet metal and unleashes a blast of air that sends debris flying
• Kicks a car multiple stories into the air, then uses it as a hammer to break Miyamoto's legs
• Hits Burns hard enough that a nearby lightpost shakes
• Breaks Benimaru's planter
• Puts the hurt on Giovanni, blasting through a solid metal wall
• With each spin, his kick's power increases
• KO's two security guards at once

VS Rekka

• Plants Rekka's face in concrete
• Clashes with Rekka evenly
• Dropkicks Rekka into the air
• Chain-kicks Rekka
• Drives Rekka into the ground and takes him down
  • The effort of fighting Rekka made him light-headed
  • Rekka gets back up shortly after

VS White Clads

• Creates a small explosion grazing Arrow's arrow
• Forces Haran to retreat
• Staggers Haran
• Deflects Arrow's arrow
• One-shots Mirage with a dropkick
• Moves Charon way from Inca
• Redirects Giovanni's bug leg

VS Fire Force

• Knocks away the 5th's Angels Three when they were on top of him
• One-shots all three of the Angels Three at once
• Lands a solid hit on Arthur
• [Limit] Does nothing to Burns even though it's his strongest kick

VS Other

• Kicks Joker backwards
• Kicks Miyamoto into a car
• Kicks off Miyamoto's arm
  • Miyamoto has Infernal-level durability
• Destroys an Infernal

Feet - Amped
Unlinked

• Creates a small crater in the ground^R
• Moves Burns's face^R
• Shakes the trees behind Burns, and "makes his arm tingle"^R
• Charon calls his attack "lukewarm"^R
• Craters Charon with a demonic blast that dwarfs buildings^C
  • This is the first time Charon has been hurt
• Unsteadies Burns, something he has never been able to do prior^H
• Clashes with Stage 2 Burns^H
• Stage 3 Burns breaks out of Corna after a short time^C

Linked

• [Amaterasu] Kicks Hague out of his office^A
• [Amaterasu] Doubles Hague over^A
• [Amaterasu] Blasts Arthur aside^AR
• [Passive] Kicks away Titan Raffles' laser^A
• [Passive] Craters Titan Raffles' titanic wheel^A
• [Passive] Destroys eight Demons at once^A
• [Passive] One-shots Titan Raffles^A
• [Shou] Caves in Stage 5 Burns' chest^AC
• [Shou / Evangelist] Moves Shou backwards despite his block^AR
• [Shou / Evangelist] Clashing with Shou destroys some concrete pillars^AR
• [Shou / Evangelist] Sent Shou into a brick wall^AR
• [Woman In Black] Vaporizes Tempe with a blast that shakes the oasis a good distance away^A

Other

• Deflects a fireball that smashes through tree trunks

Durability

Blunt
Objective

• As a child, KO'd himself boosting into a wall
• An Infernal blasts him into a steel pipe and KO's him for five seconds
• Believed he would die falling from the roof of Company 8's Cathedral
• Rekka slams his fist into his face and craters the concrete under it, then gets a full-force punch that splinters the concrete in a much wider area
• Smacked into a stone column
• Blasted into a brick wall by Shou
• Minor environmental damage
• Clubbed with a blender
• Hit with a gorilla head
• In the radius of Burns' Voltage Nova: Stage 1
• In the radius of Burns' Voltage Nova: Stage 2
• In the radius of Burns' Voltage Nova: Stage 3
  • This destroyed three floors of a penitentiary
• Swung around like a weapon and has his head smashed on concrete
• [Amaterasu] Slung through a window

Scaling
VS Fire Force Company 1

• Rekka socks him in the face and he takes it well
• Sent tumbling when Rekka punches him in the mouth
• Takes one of Rekka's punches to the face when his guard is down
• Rebuffed by Burns, though he did just wake up from an intense surgery and three days of sleep
• Hit multiple times by the shockwave coming from Burns
• Punched by Burns
• Overhead slammed by Stage 3 Burns
• Smiles after taking multiple Stage 3 direct blows to the face

VS Fire Force Company 7

• Beni throws Maki into him and they tumble into a shelf
• Kicked in the head by Beni

VS Fire Force Company 8

• Takes a punch to the midsection from Maki
• [Amaterasu] Shield-bashed by Arthur wielding Hague
• [Amaterasu] Elbowed by Arthur
• [Amaterasu] Takes three of Arthur's "special" moves consecutively and ends up on the ground

VS White Clad

• Kicked in the face by Haran
• Stunned after Giovanni chops his neck while he's completely unaware
• Takes a nice hit to the jaw from Giovanni's rocket fist
• Giovanni's rocket corkscrew punch stuns him when he's also trapped in Lisa's flaming tentacles
• Shou beats him up
• Punched down a street by Charon and gets back up instantly
• Stomped, then kicked by Charon
• Downspiked by Charon
• Tanks a backhand from Charon
• Takes some blows from Faerie
• Launched by Haumea using Sumire's ability
• Boomed by Haumea

VS Other

• Staggers after taking Joker's elbow to the head
• A Demon's punch is enough to break him in two, and he only survives by jumping backwards

Esoteric
Not Heat

• [Cold] As a child, his legs were sealed inside liquid nitrogen tanks
• [Electricity] Resists Giovanni's two-million volt taser, but goes down after he increases the charge
• [Endurance] Pushed to the limit of his endurance to learn the Hysterical Strength of a Fire Scene
• [Internal] Has the energy of his kick sent back into him
• [Internal] Hit with a full force Rapid kick's energy
• [Mental] Resists Amaterasu's attempt to mind control him
  • It does succeed once he's in a fighting mood, and may have lasting effects
• [Mental] Gets high on the fumes of natural gas, though he can sober up when needed
• [Mental] Has no shame
• [Radiation] Has passive resistance to small amounts of radiation
• [Radiation] Near Nataku's lasers when they explode
• [Time Stop] Shou's Severed Universe makes him woozy
• [Other] Auto-heals a lethal wound thanks to his Adolla Link with Captain Kayoko, but she can't take the fire of Adolla and is incinerated

Supposed Heat

• In the blast radius of Joker's exploding powder
• Burns tapping his foot on the ground sends him flying and stuns him
• Rekka's Star Fist Punch gut punches him, and he takes it in stride
• Rekka punches him in the chest, yet Shinra still puts him on the ground
• Blocks Rekka's Star Fist Punch
• Hit by Benimaru's Iai Chop: Form One
• Takes a glancing hit from Arrow's arrow that knocks him out of his flight
• Cooked in a Demon's fireball
• Trapped in Lisa's flaming tentacles
• Hit by Shou, on bare skin, which causes an explosion to go through him
• Near Burns when he's activated Voltage Nova
• Charon's Stamp downs him
• Completely gooned on by Charon
• Immolated in Tempe's Holy Light
• Hit with Kurono's Eclipse
• Inca ignites a fire right beside him
• Fights through Stage 5 Burns gripping his chest
• Completely unconscious after using his body to block Juggernaut's arm cannon
• Takes two hits from post-Dragon Arthur

Actual Heat

• Easily goes down to Hibana's heat syncope, but he does resist it after figuring out how it works
• A double dosage of Hibana's heat syncope and her Sakura technique sends him into her throne
• Hibana's sakura petals singe his bare skin
• Tanks Hibana's Sakura Blizzard
• A glancing touch on Rekka's Sei is enough to burn through his jumpsuit
• If a pyrokinetic burns up too much of the oxygen in their body, they are afflicted with tephrosis
• The room he fights Kurono in continues heating up at a rapid pace
• Sprayed with boiling liquid
• Burns at Stage 3 can instantly disintegrate a burncoat and Shinra puts his bare feet on him
• The environment while fighting Burns was hot enough to instantly evaporate sweat

Piercing

• Joker's cards go through his burnsuit and draw blood
• Haran's dagger is able to draw blood with a snick
  • Haran can also cut Arthur
• Shou beats him up
• Shou stabs him through his burncoat
• Blocks Shou's sword with his handguard
• With Shou's sword embedded in his chest and Haumea grinding it around, he's alive
• Hague's fire axe doesn't draw blood
• Bit by a Hellhound
• Slashed by Kurono
• Shot by Haumea
• [Limit] Burncoats are not bulletproof

Speed

Agility

• Dodges Arrow's arrow from close range after getting tagged once
• Ducks under Arthur's slash
• Avoids Giovanni's flying hand
• Moves through all of Mirage's mirages
• Immediately recovers while training with Benimaru
• Pulls Shou into close range, then escapes when he needs to
• Break dances on Kurono
• Avoids Giovanni's attacks in complete darkness
• Breaks Burns' hold
• Look how cool he is
• [Amaterasu] Avoids Ogun's flame spears
• [Amaterasu] Can fight a delusional Arthur

Flight
Agility

• Stops a multi-story fall, then flies back to where he fell from
• Outmaneuvers a group of the 5th's Fire Soldiers
• Completely evades Rekka's Star Fist Punch while he's in the air
• Dodges Arrow's arrow
• Barely dodges it when he's distracted
• Evades Arrow's buckshot
• Too fast for an unprepared Giovanni

Other

• Saves Iris from a falling light fixture
• Saves Tamaki from Joker's gunpowder
• Flies four people out of the Rookie Games building as it explodes
• Matches the Matchbox
• Chases an Infernal up a dozen stories
• Escapes Rekka's pin
• Blitzes Rekka and lands a hit on him from behind when he has something to push off of
• Flies faster than Arthur runs
• Flies faster than Arrow runs
• Keeps Haran from slashing him open
  • Haran is capable of fighting Arthur
• Catches up to Arrow's arrow
• Keeps up with Joker's motorcycle
• Weaves around Raffles' lasers

Rapid

• Soars into the sky
• Catches up to Benimaru's fireball
• Very nearly tags Benimaru before he can block
• Moves faster than some White Clads can see and kicks a White Clad holding Litch hostage in the face
• Shooms up to Shou
• Faster than Shou
• Capable of crossing the distance between him and Shou in "the blink of an eye
• Haumea can only "kind of" see him fighting with Shou, and Yona can't see them at all
• Scop can't hold onto him
• To counter Giovanni reading his mind, he just gets faster
• [Amaterasu] Attacks Arthur too fast for Ogun to see
• [Amaterasu] Blitzes Ogun
• [Amaterasu] Arthur states he can react to Shinra using the Rapid, but he can't move fast enough to do anything
  • Once he gets zoned in/spaced out, he can
• [Limit] Kurono is able to consistently get the better of him
• [Limit] Benimaru using Hysterical Strength completely outclasses him

Movement

• Dodges Lisa's Fishing Fire (at first)
• Avoids Shou's slash
• Significant moves are made fighting Shou in the time it takes Licht to blink
• Blocks Charon's punch
• Avoids Tempe's flame rain, and deflects one projectile
• Moves his head aside from Kurono's kunai
• Blocks Giovanni's bug leg
• Ducks around Benimaru's jab

Reaction
Feats

• Pulls Maki out of the path of Arrow's arrow in one panel
• Dodges Shou's sword slash intended to kill him

Anti-Feats

• Hit by Vulcan's soda can
• Hit by Lisa's soda can
• Benimaru is able to put a "knife" to his throat
  • By the end of his first training session he has fixed this problem

Adolla Link

• Were he to overheat in the middle of a jump, he would be vaporized
• [Inca] Brings Inca with him to look at the world 250 years in the past, seeing that people used to be 3D, which knocks him out for three months (emphasis on the him)^A
• [Shou / Evangelist] Tags Shou^A
• [Shou / Evangelist] Very clearly faster than when he arrived^A
• [Shou / Evangelist] Reaches a speed that he doesn't appear in Shou's stopped time^A
• [Shou / Evangelist] Enters Shou's Severed Universe^A
• [Woman In Black] Vaporizes Tempe in under a second^A

Intelligence

• Realizes he needs to get out of Maki's range and takes flight
• Continuously changes tactics in midair
• Kept the knowledge of a traitor to himself in case all of Company 1 was against him
• Even though Arrow is using the chaos of Asakusa to hide her movements, and her arrows can be curved, Shinra still figures out where she'll fire from next and what her ultimate goal is
• Comes up with a strategy to work with Arthur
• Invents a new technique by watching Benimaru and copying his hand gestures
• Recognizes Shou's murderous intent and adapts
• Makes a plan to beat Shou that involves blinding him with fire, then speeding in with Rapid
• Deciphers that Charon is actually a second gen, not a third as well as realizes there is a moment when Charon transfers his potential energy to kinetic he can attack in
• [Anti-Feat] Thinks Lisa is one of Vulcan's inventions

Adolla

Adolla Burst

• Considered "pure" flame
• Amaterasu is an Adolla Burst
• Rekka's bug reacts to his flame
• Even though Shinra doesn't directly connect to the Evangelist, he can access its power by forcing an Adolla Link with Shou
• The flames of Shou's Adolla Burst can't be doused with a fire hose
• The Woman In Black taught animals to speak and increased their lifespan
• Can fuel a power plant
• Allows for Adolla Links
• As of the Eighth Pillar rising from the ocean, Shinra can reach lightspeed on his own

Adolla Link

• Hears Konro's plea from across the chaos of Asakusa
• Hears Giovanni order Vulcan's death
• Syncs with Shou
  • Does it again, and sees the Evangelist
• Forces a Link with Shou
• Shows his memories to Shou
• Amaterasu is able to mind control him through this
• Hears the Woman In Black's message
• Connects to Nataku's cries for help
  • Does it again
• Watches Captain Hague die
• Hears Burns' plan to kill Obi
• Accidentally syncs with Shou while fighting Burns
• Meets Shou in a dream
• Once Pillars begin rising from the ocean, he links with Inca

Skill

Sight

• Noticed Arrow and her companion
• Has 20/10 eyesight
• Makes out that the lights on the Chinese Peninsula are Infernals

Other

• Matches Rekka blow-for-blow according to Tamaki
• Quickly puts up a large smokescreen
• Escapes the noose of Giovanni's hand
• His hand symbols are martial arts-based
• Joint-locks and throws a man
• There was never a clear winner between him and Arthur
• Loses in CQC to Charon's White Clad
• Dropkick-blasts Burns, then loops around and smashes him into the ground

Other

Aliases

• Find-The-Nun-And-Crush-Company-5 Man
• Bring-The-Delusional-Lady-Back-To-Her-Senses Man
• Catch-The-Dirtbag-Making-Artificial-Infernals Man
• Won't-Let-You-Go-Backward-Or-Forward Man
• Bears-With-The-Unbearable Man
• Kick-It-Off-Course-No-Matter-What Man
• Knock-The-Masked-Turd's-Nose-Back-Into-His-Own-Business Man
• Kickman
• Calls-Things-"Man" Man
• Absolutely-Gonna-Make-His-Stuck-Up-Brother-Call-Him-Brother Man
• Shinra Man
• Stop-The-Great-Cataclysm Man

Other

• Doesn't get the girls
• Very defensive about his break dancing
• Me when I see a young child while the airplane is experiencing turbulence
• Had a toy Omnitrix as a child
• Eats more than the average person
• Literally Jesus
• Supreme Commander of the World Heroes Force

Shinrabanshou-Man

Hope can't be stopped…and I can't stop smilin'.

After Shinra fused with Shou and Mari Kusakabe via Soul Resonance, they became the personification of hope to combat the Evangelist and the Saint.
Creation
Death

• "Lessened the value of life" by bringing Death closer to it
  • So he basically just created God
• Took the entire world's supply of pyrokinetic abilities, as well as Shinrabanshouman's abilities over all of nature
  • However, he could not take Arthur's due to him being outside of Earth at the time
• Formed Death the Kid in Shinra's image
• Here's a small collection of his feats in Soul Eater

Other

• Deflects the Despair Saint's black flame attacks and transforms them into flowers
• The impact of his kick turns into flowers
• Creates an AOE transformation effect by stamping his foot
• Forms a whale
• Catches a ball of the Despair Saint's divine light and forms an atmosphere with its energy, which douses the black flames covering Earth
  • Uses another one to form civilization, which required him to repeatedly stop and reverse time until he could get it right
• Creates mountains and continents, and animals to populate them
• Has the power of "All Nature"
• Transforms all of the Despair Saint's tears back into souls to repopulate the planet and resurrect everyone
  • This even affects the souls she absorbed while she is still connected to them
• Used Vulcan and Licht's minds when reshaping the world
• People with strong souls are now powerful in place of pyrokinetics
  • He created the world of Soul Eater but I can't exactly get feats for that and still be short enough to post. Just know this is the case.

Physicals
Durability

• Ignores Haumea's "Prayer of Despair"
• No-sells an Amaterasu bomb blast
• Undamaged by a laser

Other

• Deflected the Despair Saint's lightspeed projectile
• Obliterates the despair that Haumea left behind when she stepped down

Other

• Capable of stopping time using Shou's Ignition Ability

Hello fellow Dms Im currently running my first campaign ever as a DM in DnD 5e. I need help in what i could use as a challenging BBEG for my Players and some Minions for him that are Demon based.
Im thinking about some kind of Archdemon that will be summoned after a cult breaks some seals to release him. Whenever a seal is broken a minor demon should be released and the BBEG should get stronger.
As stated im really new to dming in general so please have mercy on me.
Currently im looking for a minor Demon that could be summoned by the Cult since they managed to break the first seal already. All i found so far is a hellhound but that seems a bit underwhelming for a 5 player group that is level 3. The Party consists of a Cleric, Paladin, Rogue, Druid and Wizard.
If you need any more information to help me please ask.

Link to episode: Investment Opportunities
Pre-Episode 37:

• I'm close, I'm so fucking close y'all. It's just this episode and the finale. Well... And the ttazz, obviously. It's Just this episode, the finale, and the ttazz... I guess I did say I was gonna do one for the Adventure academy interview Travis did with Brennan Lee Mulligan. It's just this episode, the finale, ttazz, and the interview... FUCK I just remembered I wanted to do the Dredd live show as well as a sort of wrap up as a point about how Travis hasn't improved at all... It's just this episode, the finale, ttazz, the interview, and the dredd live show. And then I'm done!

1st half of Episode 37:

• No Gary recap for the penultimate episode... I guess Gary is dead now. Good.
  
• Everyone watching the Comrade Deer tear apart the shield with his bare hands.
  
• Reiner rushes in
  
• "Either like 10 minutes ago or a week ago" 2 weeks if we're talking realtime between postings. But then again if I remember correctly they were trying to wrap things up so they very well could have been record once a week.
  
• The xorn is just now a big mole. I'd make a remark about continuity but that would make it look like I give a shit at this point.
  
• They need to get grey to the rift, still don't explain why he cant just teleport himself there. We know he can teleport freely in the material plane.
  
• Goodcastle army is 5000 strong. From the 4 corners of nua?!
  
• Justin makes a deus ex machina joke. As if every series they've done hasn't had one.
  
• 2 - 3 football fields away?! Theres 10000 demons and 5000 soldiers should be fucking touching eachother within that distance.
  
• Fitsroy summons Leon for the first time ever.
  
• "Oh yeah you do" I cannot physically describe how uncomfortable I am hearing Travis's adjacently sexual tone of voice when his own NPCs get the spotlight.
  
• LEON IS NOT A FUCKING BIRD. HE'S A LIVING BREATHING PERSON THAT NOBODY WILL CHANGE BACK FOR SOME FUCKING REASON.
  
• FITZROY HE LITERALLY SAID HE WANTED TO BE TURNED BACK LAST TIME YOU ASKED TRAVIS SAID HE NODDED YES.
  
• FIRBOLG CAN TALK TO ANIMALS WE DON'T NEED TO JUST FUCKING GO OFF HAWK BODY LANGUAGE YOU FUCKS!
  
• Ok... Travis makes it clear that Leon wishes to be turned back into a human after the battle... I can check out now I don't give a shit about the rest of the characters.
  
• "That definitely wont get lost in the narrative shuffle" I SWEAR TO FUCKING
  
• Firbolg wants to talk to Festo
  
• "OK" #143
  
• Firbolg askes why he time traveled there for a minute.
  
• "OK" #144 and #145
  
• Festo thinks Firbolg is still high. Come the fuck on Travis just say it was magic bullshit and we can move on.
  
• Lol they make a joke about clint falling asleep
  
• Alright, I'm so fucking done with the whole "Firbolgs can't lie" schtick. They're not even doing it right anymore, festo is treating firbolg as if he can't be wrong. That is a completely different set of circumstances.
  
• Fucking... Travis said in the recap it happened because reality itself was breaking down because of the rift. How do the players not have that information?
  
• "OK" #146 and #147 I already hated Festo and now it's even moreso.
  
• Travis table talks and asks if anybody wants to do anything before they pop off.
  
• Argo wants to look at the Comrade deer. He has chaos magic. We knew this. Moving on.
  
• They all leave, Fitroy says he doesn't wanna be a night at goodcastle, citing the fact he practically never was one to begin with. Well this character arc sputtered out and died.
  
• HOW IS THE GOODCATLE ARMY NOT GONNA GET THERE IN TIME THEY'RE WITHIN FUCKING SPRINTING DISTANCE THEY'D BE THERE IN A MINUTE FLAT.
  
• Oh GOD THE GARYS CAN FLY?!
  
• Thank you for taking out even more tension Travis, wouldn't want there to be excitement in this scene.
  
• They're running.
  
• Griffin rolls for weather, is this another thunder situation?
  
• How are they gonna be able to hide from 10000 demons?!
  
• Music is fucking too loud.
  
• Argo got a 39 on his stealth roll.
  
• How... They're not invisible. They ran out of the main gate, how the fuck can nobody see them?
  
• More pit fiends 30 to 40 yards away. This sounds familiar.
  
• "They really cut out alot of potential for shenanigans with that spell". Oh no Griffin it's not the spell it's just Travis.
  
• Forest Guardian shows up and smashes the Pit fiends, the players are literally on a tourist bus watching everything go by huh?
  
• Travis describes the forest guardian. I wonder if that's the last character description of the series?
  
• "The roar of a jet engine behind you" "A what now?" "A jet engine" IT'S NOT THE LAST ONE LET'S GOOO
  
• Hey it's the Cum odor guys! He separates the group with energy I guess.
  
• Althea, Xorn, and Grey keep going to the rift.
  
• Roll initiative.
  

Ad Break:

• Some early ads this time around
  
• Dust is gonna be 4 episodes long again.
  

2nd half of Episode 37:

• Justin seems enthused to kill the Commode door. I can get behind that.
  
• The players jokes about how much of a twist it would be if one of them actually died here.
  
• "Say what you will about Grad, but it had some twists" I will continue to say things about Graduation thank you Justin.
  
• "It just ended!" Please god that'd be great.
  
• Comrade deer wasn't actually riding a Jet, he was just flying. 0/10
  
• Fitzroy casts sphere of storm (Actually called Storm sphere but whatever)
  
• He also uses careful magic so it doesn't affect the boys.
  
• Commodore rolls a nat 20 for his strength saving throw, strange how he didn't use the computer for that roll...
  
• 4d6 at level 13 really isn't that much Justin.
  
• Oh they thought he said 46 nevermind.
  
• The Come And Dear puts water around Fitzroys head to try and drown him. But that fails because Fitroy can breath underwater due to his storm soul.
  
• Argo finally gets to use sneak attack! But he uses his sling and misses anyway.
  
• Firbolg casts call lightning. Commodore's dex save is 21.
  
• I hate how they just say "I do this many points of damage" instead of actually trying to make good radio and describe what they're doing.
  
• Fitzroy casts haste on Argo, while being pitch shifted to sound like his head is in a bubble of water.
  
• Firbolg gets deafened, but uses his pocket watch of second chances to undue it... I have no memory of him getting this watch. And obviously no one else does either.
  
• Argo has a chance for an opportunity attack, doesn't know to use it.
  
• Cum odor gets another nat 20 saving throw. Griffin says it's bullshit. I agree.
  
• Apparently, the stone that the comrade deer caught was his Hummingbird robot. He attacks with his dagger and the holy dagger.
  
• Travis tries to describe a fucking hunter x hunter king of ants vs Netero moment between Argo and Commodore. It was not warranted.
  
• It hasn't been 2 rounds yet but they're describing him beginning to falter, like my guy most BBEG's can take more than 1 stabbing.
  
• Firbolg turns in a giant octopus, guess he only wanted to use 1 of a his many spellslots.
  
• "Giant" is not a size measurement in 5e, it's either large, huge, or Gargantuan
  
• Wait a minute, Fitzroy was concentrating and Storm Sphere and Haste. You can't do that :/
  
• If Fitzroy rages than Argo will lose haste as well.
  
• Nat 1 for saving throw.
  
• Fitzroy Devil may cry juggles the commodore so bad he loses a turn. I mean there's only 20 minutes left in the episode I guess they gotta wrap things up for the last cutscene here soon.
  
• Argo is a vindictive little shit. cannon.
  
• Argo stabs him in the heart with Florence, Travis immediately decides that Argo feels great about it. Fucking wonderful. A professional "hero" and decorated soldier with the power of literal chaos coursing through him is murked by 3 students in a matter of roughly 12 seconds. nice.
  
• Why would he not be celebrated when he's dead? There was no great "villain revealed" with the commodore.
  
• Justin and unfunny, off-putting animal sounds. Name a better duo.
  
• Justin complaining he didn't get a chance to contribute. Yo dawg? FUCKING DO SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD THEN, this shit has happened like 4 times at this point, you have 17 fucking spellslots you could use instead for combat get a clue.
  
• Sail boat don't have keys... The brothers dunk on Travis for not knowing that.
  
• Argo loves to murder now, expectations subverted
  
• Firbolg wants to rename the boat Mariah to... "boat"
  
• Firbolg is not Kramer.
  
• "We have angered every hero and villain in existence" What a strange thing to listen to, just this insistent attempt at making it sound like the things that they did mattered to literally anyone.
  
• Commodore was not wielding Chaos magic, he was wielding "entropy magic"? Travis the finish line is right there please stop making up new shit for me to comment on.
  
• Travis waffles on about his made up magic about how it's different than the other made up magic he made and why we should totally give a shit about it. Summed up: It's different magic
  
• YARDS! FUCKING YARDS! WHY IS IT ALWAYS FUCKING YARDS TRAVIS?!
  
• "I'm sorry to take your shit apart" Honestly you should've done that more, and way earlier too. Then he might not have had to deal with fucking Graduation.
  
• I like how Griffin's first thought is that Travis fucked up rather than it being an unexpected turn that people are missing.
  
• "I'm not gonna waste your time rolling, you activate a magical trap stepping over the threshold" Fuck you Travis. Fuck you and you're fucking cutscenes. Just write a shitty book and stop convincing people this is what Dnd should be like.
  
• Everyone is captured in stone, I guess a xorn, a Paladin Hero, and a literal lord of hell didn't put up much of a fight.
  
• Chaos is there
  
• No deception checks! NOT ALLOWED!!! GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!
  
• "OK" #149
  
• Ftizroy... you can thunderstep anytime you want...
  
• Firbolg very slowly says some shit about time being broken which means the plan doesn't work or some shit.
  
• THE FIRBOLG CAN BE WRONG THOUGH. FUCK ME WHY IS THIS STILL A THING DMAN IT.
  
• Travis arguing with himself is terrible radio. Why was there voice modulation for like 2 minutes when Fitzroy's head was in water but never again?
  
• They fight or something, then 3 dragons and about 1000 hellhounds show up. Fuck me can Travis cool it with the playground logic?
  
• Chaos give the boys magic they become gods or some shit. If it's anything like the stuff they gave the Cum odor it's gonna be fucking worthless.
  

Post Episode 37:

• God fuck this show I hate it.

Next Relisten Post: Episode 38
Previous Relisten Post: Episode 36

This story is about me and my DM, u/The_Captain1998. Check out his profile for some very fun 5e homebrew :)

The TL;DR

My PC was near death during a tough encounter and my DM almost had the enemy self-destruct in order to save her. I begged him not to and he listened to me. My PC died an epic death and got some great character development. Moral of the story: you can't go wrong if you listen to your players.

Preamble

My DM and I get along real well, we've been friends for more than 10 years. We get along so well that we co-authored the world that we both run campaigns in without worrying that our creative differences might get in the way. We accept each others' rulings and earnestly ask each other for advice running our respective games.
The one thing we don't always agree on, however, is letting PCs die.
I've always advocated to let the dice fall where they may, even if a PC dies. Obviously I'll take it into consideration if a player doesn't want PC death to be part of the game, but if they don't say anything then the default is that death is possible. My DM, however, leans the opposite way. When death rears its head, he usually finds a way to subtly push it back down. Even if a player hasn't explicitly said that they don't want PC death, he treats the game as non-fatal by default.

The Session

That brings us to the session a few days ago. We were in a mansion full of devils: maybe 15 bearded devils, 6 chain devils, 5 hellhounds, and an avatar of Bael. We were 3 PCs (a sorcerer (me), a druid, and a rogue) with an NPC werewolf helping us. In a flat-out battle, we would have been screwed, but the tight corridors of the mansion allowed us to strategically use bottlenecks to whittle down the devils' numbers. We also knew there was a magical door in the mansion that, when crossed, would keep us safe from the devils. After a few rounds of combat, it became clear that we wouldn't win especially since we were split up across the mansion. Just to survive, the druid escaped through the door. After that, the rogue made it. That left me and the NPC. Since we'd been fighting the whole time, we were both low on resources (hit points, spell slots, etc.). My sorcerer had a special feature that allowed her to optionally burn hit points to cast spells instead of spell slots but with the caveat that if she reduced her hit points to 0 by casting a spell, she'd die instantly.
When it came to my turn, I spent an uncharacteristically long time figuring out what to do. I knew I could save the NPC (my character's lover) by casting dimension door but in doing so she'd die due to the number of hit points she had left. My DM talked me out of it by saying that the NPC had a plan to deal with the last few devils but when that plan failed (he tried to lure the devils into a corridor and then pounce on them, but a chain devil caught him with its chains) I made up my mind to sacrifice my character so that the NPC might live (if he went down now, I'd definitely go down anyway so it would be worth it).
DM: Ok, now it's Bael's turn and he... smashes the chain devil into the floor.
Other player: Oh. Huh?
Me: [DM], you're not just doing that because we're in trouble, are you?
DM: No, no, this is what Bael would do. He's a ruthless leader and that chain devil has been failing him all night. Like earlier, he came snivelling and crying to Bael asking for help before being thrown back out into the fray.
Me: Are you sure? I really don't want you to nerf the encounter just because we're struggling.
DM: Bael would definitely punish a soldier that was disappointing him. He's a ruthless general who makes cutthroat decisions to win.
Me: In the middle of a battle? While that soldier is one of the only ones he has left? Wouldn't it make more sense to discipline him after the battle?
DM: ...well... yeah, I guess.
Me: I'm going to be honest with you, I'm totally fine with whatever happens, you don't need to hold back for me. In fact, I'll be really upset if you do. By all means play Bael as you think Bael would act, but don't use that as an excuse to spare me.
DM: Hm... no, you're right, Bael wouldn't do that. He would punish him after the fight.
And so my DM played the monsters like they wanted to win and my character went through with the sacrifice to save her lover. She died to save his life and... it was epic.
For the first time, she saw him as more than just a friend-with-benefits and realised that she had grown to deeply care about him. Why else would she sacrifice herself like that? For so long she had lived a selfish life and never given up anything for anybody. But in that moment, she wanted to make a sacrifice for him.
And that's not all! Because she died, we were able to have a great role-playing moment where she met her family in the afterlife. I won't go into the details, but seeing her dead family again allowed her to work through some issues and grow as a person. Additionally, the druid of the party was able to cast reincarnate on her, so she wasn't even dead for a whole day before she came back! Getting reincarnated also allowed me to give her a new look (she went from being a human to being a shifter), which is one of my favourite things to do.

Moral(?) of the Story

Moral here is that you can almost never go wrong when you listen to the players. What my DM did might have been the right move with a different player but it wasn't the right move for me. I let him know honestly what I felt about it and he listened to me, respecting my wishes and not doing what he instinctively felt was right in the moment. If had ignored me and insisted on saving my PC, I would have felt cheated out of the story I helped craft with my choices. Because he listened to his players, we got to see an epic turning point in the story.
I have loved everything about my DM's campaign, especially these last few sessions. I'm glad to have someone who is not only creative and a great performer but also an empathetic listener be my DM.

I literally used a random number generator to decide what to recap. I have never heard a single second of TAZ before.
 
Murder on the Rockport Limited, Episode 2, Minute 37
We open with Travis talking about the Max Fun Drive. An ominous start. Fortunately we start near the end of... that whole mess.
 
Griffin says "back to the adventure!" and I get my hopes up before he follows it up by saying he's gonna go pee again real quick. Jamming music commences.
 
GRIFFIN SPEAK UP! I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC!
 
There's a joke about Taako being slid around like air hockey that'd probably land better if I knew what they were talking about.
 
They talk about a crash landing, which is exciting. Ooh, they made it out of the swamp! I'm so glad. I've known this group for 52 seconds and I'm already invested in their safety.
 
Griffin's last words are "uhhh, and" before he's cut off by the minute being up.
 
Balance verdict: 7/10. We got some good drama, some comedy, a real sense of action and adventure. Taking a few points off for opening with Travis talking about Max Fun, though.
 
Amnesty, Episode 30, Minute 67
This time we open with Clint saying they don't have to worry about a return trip because odds are they won't be making one. Much better opening, both because it involves Clint and because it implies their characters might be actually in danger for once.
 
Justin mourns the fact that they don't have the one person who would've been perfect for getting past government agents. You can hear the sorrow in his voice. I can only assume he's talking about bingus. Rest in peace.
 
He wants to talk to the hornets and see if they come up with something. Travis immediately counters by suggesting they go to the police. Justin starts talking about what the sheriff's been doing, which Griffin shuts down by seeing he hasn't seen him at all since the FBI showed up. Clint says nothing. It's perfect li'l TAZ capsule!
 
This one ends with Justin wheedling going "yeah, but" after Griffin shut him down, before the unstoppable guillotine of minute 68 comes down.
 
Amnesty verdict: 5/10. Everyone's working at cross purposes. You could say they're playing to frustrate each other. I feel like there's a term for people who do that.
 
Commitment, Episode 1, Minute 31
Clint says there are nine others.
Nevermind the nine others are leaving already.
 
We are one-third of the way in and all that's happened is Clint describing people leaving.
 
Griffin makes a joke as Clint prepares to speak. Clint speaks, and then Travis immediately makes a less funny joke talking over Clint, rendering the entire section incomprehensible cross-talk.
 
They have to leave the room in the correct order to pass the test. Music begins. More people walk out of the room. Music continues. Music continues...
Griffin says he's just our best friend now! I'm assuming he's saying that because he isn't the DM anymore, but his time is up.
 
Commitment verdict: 3/10. This arc is entirely composed of people walking out of a room and mysterious music. I liked the part where it was just the music more than the part where my best friend and his brothers and the hogfather were talking.
 
Dust, Episode 4, Minute 56
Jumping in near the conclusion, huh? Should be exciting.
We open with Travis introducing an NPC: Deputy Rosa! And the Blackwells! The Blackwells are being introduced for the first time! Oh God!
 
Rosa sees that shit's gone down (described quickly), walks into the sheriff's office (described in detail), and a scream is heard. She comes out with gun drawn and delivers one of the great classic lines of modern literature:
"What happened!? What's going on!? What the fuck!?"
That's also our first f-bomb for those keeping track at home.
 
One of the players speaks (I honestly can't tell if it's Justin or Clint. I think it's Justin.) and Travis immediately cuts him off.
 
It's Justin. I can tell because of the voice and the fact that he's lackadaisically introducing himself while someone bleeds out beside him, which Griffin gleefully points out before, like so many Griffins before him, being shorn from all possible futures by the end of the minute.
 
Dust verdict: 6/10. It's 75% Travis NPCs and 25% Justin sounding bored, but they say fuck once so I'll give it some points for that. Also Griffin sounds like he's winding up one zinger of a joke at the end there.
 
Graduation, Episode 26: Little Gray Cells, Minute 20
A feeling of horrible dread settles over me.
It opens with Griffin saying "ooh, that's a high number." I assume he's going to say like 19 or something before he says "that's an... 85."
Oh, they're talking about Wild Magic. Justin asks if higher is better, and Griffin mentions what 100 does. 85 causes the caster to cast Mirror Image. Griffin has no idea what that is. I am sad. Griffin then spends about a third of the runtime just reading the spell description of Mirror Image. Travis responds with "cool" and then immediately moves on.
 
There are apparently five prone hellhounds. They spend the turn getting up. That isn't how 5e works, but sure. Also there's three others, one of which takes a bite out of
And then it cuts off. We'll never know who they were biting.
 
Graduation verdict: 3/10. It's mostly them trying to remember how D&D works and getting it wrong, but at least Griffin was trying. Some great suspense at the end there, even if the cliffhanger will never get resolved.
 
Ethersea, Episode 20, Minute 55
This is the actual Episode 20 by title, not including the prelude stuff. I'm not insane.
"A lot of weird poop has been happening to me."
"Language."
"Sorry. A lot of weird shit has been happening to me."
"Thank you..."
Hey, look, it's a joke! That actually works! That's the first one of those we've had so far.
 
Clint has questions about himself. He's certainly trying to put his whole heart and soul into this monologue (?). He made mental contact. He made 80s rock band Devo angry with him.
And then Travis makes the worst series of noises we've heard yet. I'm not going to say Travis's French accent is racist or xenophobic or anything, but it's still really bad.
 
Griffin's NPCs turn to the "tone wheel" and then the minute is up.
Ethersea verdict: 2/10. Whatever joy I had from the actual joke landing was immediately ripped out by the terrible emotional moment and then stomped on by Travis's heinous accent.
 
Well, that just leaves us with the final rankings of every TAZ arc.
The final verdict: Balance, Dust, Amnesty, Commitment and Graduation tied, and then finally Ethersea in dead last. If I had to choose, I'd choose Commitment over Graduation because it's one-quarter cool music I can dance to in my chair.
Oh, uh, personal anecdote... uh... I danced in my chair during the music bits? Does that count?

It went well. I ran it in 5e, for 2 new-ish players, 1 experienced, and 1 experienced with previous editions. We had a human Paladin, gnome Wizard, and two tiefling Warlocks (celestial and infernal). It was my first time DMing a full campaign. I used the GitP conversion guide for most of it.
Right at the beginning of the game there were only the paladin and wizard (the warlocks joined just before Vraath Keep) so I had to fudge just a little in the initial ambush because I didn't tone it down enough. Hellhound breath is nasty. The hydra on the bridge was a little tough as well.
Once they had a full party together they breezed through most of the fights until the first Razorfiend encounter in the swamps. I threw most of the suggested plot hooks in to get them heading north - in hindsight I probably should have had them go to Brindol first for some shopping because they ended up with an immense amount of treasure with little of spend it on.
The Ruins of Rhest went incredibly badly for them due to a failed infiltration getting them surrounded by enemies right in front of the town hall door. They looked moments away from a tpk but managed to pull off a win - Enemies Abound on the ettin was an MVP.
The paladin fell in love with Miha Serani, and no one was able to get close to beating her deception rolls. I ended up having her give herself away trying to steal the phylactery while invisible, and she successfully escaped.
They took the mercenary gold to the Hammerfist Holds, and I came up with a passage through the mountain that had been closed off due to an unsuccessful teleportation experiment but would make the journey to the Thornwaste much faster if they took that route. It had some weird portals and gravity screw environments and they got to drop enemies on each other by dropping them into portals. Two otyughs in close quarters turned out to be a hell of a challenge, the wizard and celestial warlock spend two full rounds stunned from being smashed together.
The Ghostlord's Lair went amazingly smoothly, although the max hp reduction from the bonedrinkers freaked them out. The wizard got really into the Ghostlord's collection of lion books.
The Battle of Brindol went well - the giants and dragon went down surprisingly quickly, as did the streets of blood encounters until the thunderlizards turned up. Then there was Skather and his silent, invisible teleportation that was pretty nasty after the double lightning bolt from the war adepts. Kharn unfortunately went down too easily but did almost bring down the paladin in a single round, which shocked them.
I went with the 'battle as blood sacrifice' route to get them to the Fane. Varanthian and Tygarun went down much easier than expected. The wyvern zombie + blue abishai fight went well despite me making a very silly mistake - I didn't realise I was using 3.5 stats for the zombies until about halfway through the fight. The blue abishai were the first monster I homebrewed and they went pretty well:

Blue Abishai XP 975 AC 14 HP 90 Str 8 Dex 8 Con 14 Int 20 Wis 20 Cha 14 Saves: Con +5 Wis +8 Resistant: Fire, Cold, Necrotic, Non-magical SPB Immune: Lightning Init +2 Help as a bonus action Attacks: Claws: +2, 1d8 Slashing + 3d8 lightning Necrosis Blast: DC 16 Con, 4d8 Necrotic Regenerator: One ally heals 16 hp/turn and regains one used uncommon ability, concentration, 1/day 

Then they went into the guardhouse and fought some raiders. It was a pretty awful fight - after the raiders used their acid breath they were basically just sacks of hp that took way too long to bring down, so I homebrewed them as well for future fights, and they went much better:

Blackspawn Raider XP 975 AC 14 HP 72 Str 20 Dex 14 Con 20 Int 8 Wis 14 Cha 8 Saves: Con +8 Str +8 Immune: Acid Init +2 Attacks: 2x Falchion: +8, Crit 19-20, 2d6+5 Slashing Acid Breath: 15ft line, Dex DC 16, 6d8 Acid, 1/day 

The rest of the fane went pretty well, although the wizard was consistently frustrated by most of the enemies being immune or resistant to several types of elemental damage. My homebrew Azarr Kul was too strong, I think - I made him a Paragon using Giffyglyph's monster maker rules, and I think he should have been an Elite since he had four Abishai backing him up. They pulled through with some fudging and a very hard fight.
The Aspect of Tiamat made for a great final fight - they ran after she appeared and used a scroll of teleportation circle to retreat to Drellin's Ferry, where they made a stand in the guardhouse with the paladin buffed with Fly, Haste and Polymorph for a flying King Kong with superspeed to take on Tiamat's Ghidorah.
We were all satisfied and I'm looking forward to being a player again next session.

Link to episode: Little Grey Cells
Pre-Episode 26:

• Hey e'rrybody! Hope your having a good "Was that a gunshot or just some idiot setting off explosions in the middle of the day?" day!

1st half of Episode 26:

• Gary recounts who grey is and that he is bad. Glad that was said, Episode 26 is where I've decided to start listening to this show after all. No mention of Gordy and the undead army he said he was gonna give them? That seemed important.
  
• Hellhounds are 50 yards away and the group is 20 yards away. Ya know that DnD doesn't really use yards, right Travis? It's feet. The hellhounds are 150 feet away and the gang is 60 feet away. Also, why are the hell hounds so far away? Why didn't Grey just kill them as soon as he found that fitz had left and leave a pile of dead bodies in his bed or something? That would be... ya know... evil? Why is Grey giving them a chance to save people?
  
• Lol Clint doesn't think Argo and Fitzroy are that close of friends.
  
• REINER HAS THE OTHER NOTEBOOK FUCK ME YOU ONLY HAVE THE TWO OF THEM. What was the point in making it it's own separate item if they're just gonna treat it like everyone has a far speech medallion or whatever?
  
• Hang on... Hell hounds have a speed of 50 feet and they're only 150 feet away. They should get there WAY faster than 30 seconds. And that's assuming they aren't dashing.
  
• "You see moon" noticeable pause Oh no... not... moon...
  
• Apparently he looks fine even though he's unconsciously tied to a tree. Travis also gushes about his cool scars. If I were playing I'd let the dogs eat only him.
  
• Strength check to cut rope with knife?! AND IT TAKES HIS WHOLE TURN?!
  
• Fitzroy casts erupting earth. Somehow only 4 are within range of the spell of his 120 foot range spell. Ya know Travis, if you're going to insist on theater of the mind maybe you should try to use yours when planning these encounters.
  
• Their philosophy for when they cut and when they leave in silence in these podcasts always perplexes me, if they actually cut this show a hair tighter they wouldn't make it past an hour runtime.
  
• Acid splash isn't an area denial spell.
  
• Initiative roll. Argo Nat 20.
  
• Students are freed already I guess. Man this is super nail biting.
  
• Argo uses create water to make it rain on the students to wake them up. Clever.
  
• Fitzroy casts haste on Argo.
  
• Is Justin in this episode? We're 10 minutes in and he hasn't reacted to a fucking thing.
  
• Chaos magic makes it so creatures within 30 feet of Fitzroy take lightning damage. He uses it on the dogs even though they should still be over 100 feet away because they haven't had their turn yet. Yet he still kills 3 of them. Sure. Why not? They're just writing a shitty book at this point whatever.
  
• Somehow these 9 dogs are routed on an open field and only 4 can get close.
  
• What spell does Reiner cast Travis? Animate dead? That only works on humanoids.
  
• Kinda sorta wish there was combat music or something, something to at least fill the dead air?
  
• Argo sneak attacks a dog. Travis describes the attack. For fucks sake let Clint have this. Also, Argo is level 9, he should be doing 5d6 extra damage not 1d6.
  
• Argo has haste and attacks again.
  
• You know, these 10 students could... ya know... help fight? I'm not asking for the fight to be solved in an instant (again) but like why aren't they fighting? Hell, why isn't moon turning into a sasquatch or whatever and throwing some blows?
  
• Fitzroy casts Tidal wave.
  
• Fitzroy gets a Mirror image due to chaos magic.
  
• HOW THE FUCK. NO. FUCK THIS I'M ON BREAK.
  

Mental Health Break:

• I'm gonna go for a walk on 4th of july, Aka "Sucks to be a veteran with PTSD or a dog" day.

Resume first half of Episode 26:

• Firbolg is here everyone! Somehow arriving within less than a minute of the fight starting and somehow bypassing the half a day travel via Pegasus that was needed to get where he was. Continuity? Who needs it!
  
• Oh NOW there gets to be music in the fight cheese and rice.
  
• Aaand Justin needs to have what's going on explained to him again. In another life this would have been a counter joke as well.
  
• Bloodied isn't a thing in 5e.
  
• I think this genuinely the first time Firbolg has attacked anything while wildshaped. Only took 26 episodes to do so.
  
• As long as something is within melee range, flying doesn't affect advantage.
  
• Why doesn't Travis say the spells that Reiner is using? Is it because he's pulling them out his butt?
  
• Argo freezes ground and stabs doge.
  
• Argo gets mind fucked again because he went 2 turns without something bad happening to him. Because Travis has papa problems. I mean, 5 damage at level 9 is fucking nothing but whatevs.
  
• Fitzroy mindspikes Grey.
  
• Griffins wants to know where specifically in his castle Grey retreats to because of his successful mindspike, Travis doesn't seem to be forthcoming with that info because he clearing doesn't want the assassination plan to be their focus.
  
• Whelp, combat over. 3(ish) rounds and the students didn't even get scratched. Argo took the most damage (obviously).
  
• Lol Griffin was trying to be cutesy while Clint knows how to finish the job with the literal demon dogs, Respect old man.
  
• Deadpool """""JOKE"""""
  

Ad Break:

• Griffin ads about Conan O'Brien, a man whose popularity will dwarf anything the McElroys will ever hope to achieve.

2nd half of Episode 26:

• Warforge teacher sees what happened, invites them to meet on the balcony tomorrow.
  
• Hey, Justin's awful bird noise "jokes" reminded me... Leon got changed back right? He's not an eagle for Whatshisfuck anymore, right? That also means that his friends that got mind controlled into thinking he just went on vacation got changed back, right? This isn't gonna be a glaring loose thread that's going to drive me into an early rage grave.... right?
  
• Justin's awful bird noises stayed in the podcast.
  
• Lol his dad is dead.
  
• BED TIME NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WE GOT CUTSCENE DREAMS TO WATCH CHOP CHOP!
  
• Argo is in hell again.
  
• Ah cool, more mind control bullshit only it's Argo instead of Firbolg. Hoo-fucking-ray...
  
• Not gonna acknowledge Argo screaming in his sleep? Ah fuck it lets just get this over with.
  
• Students cant pretend (?) nothing is wrong anymore and Althea is back.
  
• "Wasted resources"? Stopping a demon war is a wasted resources?
  
• "I can't remember if god exists in this universe" Travis... They've been... Fighting... Demons? Ya know... from the hell dimension? Does this man have pudding for brains?
  
• "You are an administrator for a guild of heroes, there is a wicked lot you could do". I should be happy that Fitroy is calling out Travis's bad story telling, but at this point I've learned that it doesn't make things any better. And it never will.
  
• Grey has friends in the guild I guess?
  
• "OK" #65
  
• "I'll see if I can't find people I can trust" You weren't doing that before?! Did you only ask people you thought were assholes?!
  
• Travis think heady dialogues requires a shit ton of sighs and meandering pauses.
  
• The "heroes" guild doesn't do heroic deeds? Ok then, Get the fucking heroes THAT WORK FOR THE GUILD then. Ya know, the people that supposedly listen to them and follows their rules? Heroes that work for the Hero's guild that do heroic deeds don't count as the heroes guild for some reason? That's like saying hospitals don't take care of sick people, doctors in the hospitals do.
  
• "It's not that we can't help..." Yes it fucking is. It's just that if they are actually able to help, the plot would be over too soon.
  
• "Do you have 10 good dogs?"
  
• I like how Althea showed up in the story only to be sent on the exact same mission only with the stipulation of "actually do it this time".
  
• Crabtree finished the glasses that fitzroy asked for.
  
• She made 3 pairs of true sight glasses.
  
• "OK" #66 and #67
  
• Ring of truth makes Argo real jealous? He rolled for that? The fuck Travis?
  
• "OK" #68
  
• "I'm definitely gonna use this ring and not forget about it". Lol what a useful piece of nothing, a lie detector ring that only goes off if the other person knows that it's a lie detector? Lame.
  
• Eavesdrop ring that lasts 30 seconds per long rest. You're spoiling them Travis... with all this... useful... trash.
  
• Argo loses another roll and gets his emotions decided by Travis. What a shit show.
  
• "OK" #Nice
  
• Spider silk veil makes it so the veil lies for him. And there's no guarantee that the person who sees it will even believe him. Christina Almighty what a slog this section is. Why does this one last for 5 minutes but the eavesdrop ring only last 1/2 a minute?
  
• They go meet warforge teacher. No time for the characters to react to anything, they didn't write Firbolg's reaction to that exchange in the script.
  
• If Travis was just gonna give them a magic ring to solve the "who do we trust" problem (That wasn't even a problem to begin with) then why bother making it a problem in the first place?
  
• Warforge has 5 questions to make do a good war and be the winners:
  
• "How are you going to mask your true plan?" Uhh... they can't? Chaos and Grey and enter their mind like it's nothing. Also there plan is to recruit people into fighting a war, whats to hide about that?
  
• "How will distract Grey during your assault?" With war... and stuff.
  
• "How can you ensure gray is in his palace when you strike?" DM Fiat.
  
• "How do you know Grey sleeps?" I feel like you're being a contrarian bummer mr. roboto.
  
• "How will you get the weapons you need from the heroic oversight guild?" DM Fiat.
  
• "Why 6 months?" Hmm.... Dm Fiat. Final Answer.
  

Post Episode 26:

• What a wet fart of an episode. Good night everyone! Hope your house doesn't burn down due to patriotism for a shitty Country!

Next Relisten Post: Episode 27
Previous Relisten Post: Episode 25

Here's some slightly spicier versions of mundane 5e items. I think they're good as interesting loot or craftables for situations where magic items aren't on the table for whatever reason.

Gear Variants

Orichalcum equipment is made by aquatic-dwelling metallurgists, designed to have similar properties and density to steel while being less affected by salt water. Orichalcum equipment can spend decades buried in the sea bed and be little the worse for wear, compared to steel equipment that would be left unusable. Orichalcum is negligibly more expensive than steel in regions that produce it (e.g. merfolk cities) but twice as expensive elsewhere.
Silvered equipment is already a thing in 5e, where a weapon or 10 pieces of ammunition can be silvered by a skilled craftsman for 100gp. Some monsters, e.g. werewolves, can't be harmed by non-magical weapons unless they are silvered.
Mithral is a light and flexible metal, with the 5e rules for Mithral Armor removing the Stealth disadvantage and Strength requirement from the armour piece it's applied to. Expanding on this, any item made from Mithral weighs around 1/3 of what an iron or steel equivalent would cost. Pikes, Halberds, Greatswords, Heavy Crossbows and Glaives made from Mithral do not have the Heavy property. (The same applies to Mauls and Greataxes, but their damage die is reduced to 1d10.)
Adamantine armour and weapons have official rules in the 5e PHB and XGE. Expanding on these, tools can be made from or coated in Adamantine. An Adamantine tool provides a +4 bonus to hit the AC of appropriate objects, e.g. an Adamantine pickaxe being used to break stone, and all hits inflicted on objects are critical hits. Adamantine is significantly harder than stone, steel or mithral, so Adamantine tools can be used to pierce and cut through a wider variety of materials than other tools.
NB: Tools like a Miner's Pick don't have officially listed damage values, even for when they're being used "properly" against objects. I'd stat things like a Miner's Pick or mattock as 1d8/1d10 Versatile like a War Pick should be, a hatchet (included in Carpenter's Tools) as 1d6 like a Handaxe, etc.
Single-Use ammunition, such as arrows, bolts and javelins, are designed to break or bend on impact with a target. Considered wasteful by some, they serve a tactical purpose against enemies that might try to turn your ammunition back against you. (mostly I just have organised enemies use disposable pilum javelins against the party because it placates my sadistic DM side)

Gear

A Hellhound Jar (100gp) is a small clay pot with several internal chambers, each containing alchemical ingredients that violently react on contact. When the jar is broken it detonates, the ensuing xloud of smoke rendering everything in a 20ft radius heavily obscured for one minute or until dissipated by a strong wind. Creatures within 30ft must make a DC11 Dexterity save to avert their eyes- on a failed save they are Blinded for one round and have Disadvantage on attack rolls and skill checks involving sight for one minute. The smoke is burning hot, and creatures that start or end their turn inside it must make a DC11 Constitution save or take 1 Fire damage from the exposure. Hellhound Jars are inordinately expensive to make and regarded as mostly a curiosity, for now.
Man-Catcher (2gp): Simple Melee weapon, 1d4 Bludgeoning, Reach, Two-Handed, Special. A Man-Catcher is a type of polearm used for non-lethally subduing targets. You can perform a Special grapple attack on a target within 10ft, using the Man-Catcher instead of a free hand. Add double your Str bonus to the Strength (Athletics) check to grapple the target. If you succeed you subject the target to the Grappled condition. Then, if the creature is your size or smaller, they must pass a save or be knocked Prone. You choose whether the creature makes a Strength or Dexterity save, and the DC for this save is equal to (8 + 2x your Str modifier + your proficiency bonus).
Parrying Dagger: When wielded in the off-hand, this Dagger provides +2 AC against attacks with melee weapons, as though it were a shield. Wielding this weapon does not disable the Duelling fighting style. The AC bonus does not stack with the +2 bonus provided by a shield, but does stack with the AC bonus from the Dual Wielder feat.
Exotic Saddle (Tweak): An Exotic Saddle is required for any aquatic or flying mount, and allows the rider to safely remain mounted to a Spider Climbing creature even while it hangs upside-down from a ceiling.
Humanoid Saddle (10gp): 20lbs. Less a "saddle" and more like a backpack & platform that can be worn by a Medium humanoid, allowing the wearer to safely and stably carry another, smaller humanoid.
Bolas (1gp): Martial Ranged Weapon, 10/20ft, Special, Thrown. A Medium or smaller creature hit by a bolas is knocked Prone, their speed is halved, and they can't benefit from any bonus to their speed. The halved speed applies on top of the penalty for being prone. A creature is immune to this effect if it has no legs or does not require those legs to move. The creature can remove the bolas with any attack that deals 1 or more slashing damage (bolas AC 6) or by using their action to make a DC10 Strength (Athletics) or Dexterity (Sleight of Hand) check.
Mithral Net (10gp): 15lbs This Net is made from flexible and sturdy Mithral rather than braided rope and is thus much harder to cut or tear. The DC to escape a Mithral Net with a Strength check is 20. the Net has an AC of 21 and 10hp when creatures attempt to escape with slashing damage.
Slaver's Crossbow (80gp): This Heavy Crossbow replaces its ability to fire bolts with a mechanism that allows it to load a Net, Mithral Net or Bolas, and make an attack with the loaded weapon at an increased range. Loading the crossbow takes an action. A Bolas has a range of 50/100ft, while a Net or Mithral Net has a range of 30/60ft.

In my 5e game we are approaching the final showdown and I already have them fighting a Balor, but according to the dnd beyond encounter builder it is "hard" and my players asked me do give them a "deadly" encounter.... Any Ideas what monsters I could add? Preferably a group of less powerful ones.
Edit: my table consists of 6 lv 5, 3 lv 3 and 1 lv 10 players and I added 5 hellhounds. thanks for all the great input!

Here's a little lighthearted (but still serious) attempt of me trying to uncover more about the Oklahoma Octopus and its origin. This is a fascinating legend regarding a lake cryptid. I ended up following some pretty interesting trails and I'm curious if anyone knows anything more about this creature.
-
Naturally, 'octopus' is always the first thing everyone thinks of when the state of Oklahoma comes up. The two are inseparable, like a sucker on a fish tank. But, of all the octopuses* in Oklahoma that we could focus on, which one should we pick?
^\ SIDE NOTE on) ^{pluralization—octopi, octopuses, or octopodes?}

The Oklahoma Octopus™

I'm talking THE Oklahoma Octopus.
Not all those other lesser-known ones that cover the state.
I'm sure you know to which one I'm referring. The one that's the size of a horse, reddish-brown leathery skin. The one that walks between lakes, stalking teenagers and pulling them down to watery deaths where they become a crunchy, juicy in the middle, cephalopod snack.

Cephalopods are incredibly intelligent, and a new meta-study shows they are sentient, along with mollusks and decapods. While they've been protected under various animal welfare acts for a while in different parts of the world, this new one says it's no longer okay to boil them alive (or eat them alive.) Apparently, if an animal is sentient, can feel pain, can experience joy or sadness, you should destroy its brain before chomping on it. Interesting conclusion.

For these types of creatures, aka cryptids, it's sometimes fun to try and trace the origin of the stories. Where did this giant freshwater alpha predator come from? Why does it eat teenagers? Which Native American tribes had legends about a massive man-eating octopus living in Oklahoma?
Continue reading to find out these things and more!
Now, I bet you were one of those lucky kids who learned to walk and then started using all the O's in your Alphabet Soup to spell out your favorite eight-legged cryptid. Me? I wasn't so lucky. I discovered the Oklahoma Octopus in the same way that many people come to know the terror of deep Oklahoma waters. I bought a laminated map of the USA off Amazon, stuck it on my wall, and then remembered to read it six months later.
The US is teeming with cryptid life!
Like me, I'm sure you could definitely point to Oklahoma on a map without even thinking about it (and, of course, every other state, because of the incredible public education system in the USA.) But, for those who didn't have the everyday pleasure of experiencing public education here, I can help. It only takes three simple steps.

• Step 1: Take a look at that map.
• Step 2: Learn the United States compass that we natives use. Forget about all those confusing things like North, South, East, and West. California is on the Left. Florida and New York are on the Right. Texas is Down. (That massive thing in the middle bottom.) Canada is Up.
• Step 3: See Texas? See that octopus hanging on top of Texas? That's Oklahoma. Now you know the secret all of us Americans use to find Oklahoma.

^(\** I use these exact instructions to impart cartographic skills to my non-US friends.)*
After getting this map from Amazon, I began researching the giant octopus on top of Texas. I'd never heard of it before, and I had to find out everything I could about it.
Internet Lore lays out the following Internet Facts:

• There's a horse-sized octopus in some Oklahoma lakes.
• It's red. Or brown.
• It eats people.

Honestly, I had to take a few weeks off after discovering this treasure trove. It was a lot to take in, but I wasn't satisfied with only one complete set of encyclopedias' worth of information. I'm sure you're exhausted by now but bear with me here as I detail my journey to uncover the origin of Cthulhu's cousin.

Eyewitness Accounts & Photographic Evidence

The first thing I did was look for eyewitness accounts or photographs. I didn't find either of those, no matter how much digging I did. Not even a "my cousin's brother's mom's boyfriend was out fishing" or a single blurry photo. Nothing. No eyewitnesses.

Which Lakes Does it Inhabit?

My second step was to find the exact locations of the sightings. That was difficult, considering there were no sightings. I came across a lot of "it is said" or "legend has it," so let's go with that, for now.
It is said that the killer octopus lives in Tenkiller Ferry Lake. Also, legend has it that the octopus lives in Lake Thunderbird. I assumed only one octopus was terrorizing both lakes because I couldn't find anything saying two octopuses.
Going off that assumption...
Those two lakes are only about 170 miles apart (274 kilometers.) That's about a 60-hour walk for humans.

Did you know?Americans spell it "kilometer" and everyone who actually uses this unit of measure, like Canada and the UK, spell it "kilometre."

It's a scientific fact that some species of octopus walk between pools of water—there's even video evidence of it. But, how fast do they walk? I couldn't find the land speed of a giant octopus anywhere except for Dungeons and Dragons monster stats, so I'm declaring D&D the authoritative source.
A Giant Octopus has a walking speed of 10 ft per turn.
170 miles is 897,600 feet.
That's 89,760 D&D turns.
Assuming the Giant Octopus uses all of its movement in its turn, and it's only traveling on land, and considering each round (1 turn per round) is about 6 seconds (D&D 5E rules)—it would take 538,560 seconds to walk between Tenkiller Ferry Lake and Lake Thunderbird.
That's about 150 hours. (Somebody please check my D&D math.)
Totally doable, especially if it moved at night and took cover in wet areas during the day. By the way, if it took the Dash action each turn, it could make it in half the time (I'm not accounting for levels of Exhaustion, of course.)
Now that we have established the logistics of moving a giant octopus between two lakes, let's move on to my other discoveries about this exotic creature.

Diet

Baby octopuses eat small things like copepods, larval crabs, and sea stars. Adult ones eat crabs, clams, snails, small fishes, and even other octopuses. None of those things live in Oklahoma lakes, but we already know that legend has it that the Oklahoma Octopus eats teenagers.
Tenkiller Lake. In the summertime, these waters become a buffet filled to the brim with crunchy teenagers. Photo by Jake Bowman on Unsplash

Lifespan

A regular octopus lives three to five years. Giant freshwater killer octopus? I'm not sure. I couldn't find anything on D&D for it, and I also couldn't find any way to calculate lifespan from D&D's Challenge Rating. If anyone knows how to do this, let me know. It is said that it's been stalking the lakes for decades, so you can use that as a cross-check on Challenge Rating to Lifespan math.
Also, there are no known species of freshwater octopus, so even if someone figures out that math, I don't know how to accommodate the freshwater-octopuses-don't-exist coefficient.

Origin

We know that this octopus lives in two lakes in Oklahoma. But, what is unique about those lakes? Well, first, there are no connecting inlets. Meaning, the octopus didn't move from the ocean to either of these lakes via water. From Tenkiller Ferry Lake, it's a straight shot of about 400 miles down to Houston and (644 km) to the nearest ocean. A very determined giant octopus who follows D&D 5E rules could probably do that, given enough time.
It is said that this octopus has been around for a very long time. According to many sources on the Internet, Native American legends simply overflow with stories of a giant octopus living in Oklahoma lakes going back at least hundreds of years. Never mind that both Tenkiller Ferry Lake and Lake Thunderbird are man-made and didn't exist until about the 1950s. And never mind the fact that those Native American legends of a giant octopus in Oklahoma lakes don't seem to exist.
There's also a huge problem when someone says "Native American legend" because the legends among tribes differ. Right now, there are 574 US federally recognized tribes. Thirty-eight of those are in Oklahoma. So, which "ancient Native American legend has it" about a giant killer octopus living in lakes created in the 1950s? There are cryptids with lore that name specific tribes, but not this one. What's happening here is a bit of hand-wavey legend obfuscation because if everything lacks specificity, there's no way to disprove it.
As a bit of an aside—when I try to track these legends down, I'll use the same terminology that people use to describe the legend, but I insert notes that I feel are important. Like this:

What is the correct terminology: American Indian, Indian, Native American, Indigenous, or Native?
All of these terms are acceptable. The consensus, however, is that whenever possible, Native people prefer to be called by their specific tribal name. In the United States, Native American has been widely used but is falling out of favor with some groups, and the terms American Indian or Indigenous American are preferred by many Native people. Native peoples often have individual preferences on how they would like to be addressed. When talking about Native groups or people, use the terminology the members of the community use to describe themselves collectively.
— https://americanindian.si.edu/nk360/faq/did-you-know

What stories can be found in Native American lore about octopuses?
Not a lot, but I did manage to find one—though it is a story that features humanoid creatures who have shapeshifted from animals—and not a giant killer octopus that eats people. But, if anyone reading this has more information, please send it my way.
So, if "legend has it" and "it is said" are wrong, then where did the story come from?
The most frequently cited source of information is a TV show called Lost Tapes that aired on Animal Planet from 2008-2010. Each episode features a cryptid or monster. It's done in a mockumentary/found-footage style, and each one is entirely fictional—they didn't use real stories from anyone. I watched the episode for the Oklahoma Octopus, and as you might guess, it's chock-full of unverified claims that contradict actual science, and it presents fiction as fact. Also, shaky camera work and screaming/sobbing "teenagers."
While reviewing the episode list for Lost Tapes, it became clear that they feature some very well-known and easily verifiable cryptids. Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Thunderbird, Mothman, and more generic ones like vampires, hellhounds, and lizardmen.
The Oklahoma Octopus is a strange, nearly unknown outlier in these big-name cryptids. Where did Lost Tapes get the story from? I tried contacting the show producers and story producers, but I haven't heard back yet.
I began digging into the phrase "Oklahoma Octopus" to find references that predated the show. I happened to know of a couple of tools for this.

Coast to Coast AM

If you're looking for information on a cryptid or really any strange phenomena, the Coast to Coast AM radio show is likely to have something. It's been running since 1988, and they constantly interview experts, witnesses, authors, and more about nearly any freaky thing you can imagine. Running searches on their articles and show archives turns up about 5,000 mentions of Bigfoot and 600 of vampires, but any combination of anything related to the Oklahoma Octopus nets precisely zero results.

Google Ngram Viewer

It's unlikely you are familiar with Ngram. The tool isn't exactly trending on Twitter or anything.

"The Google Ngram Viewer or Google Books Ngram Viewer is an online search engine that charts the frequencies of any set of search strings using a yearly count of n-grams found in sources printed between 1500 and 2019 in Google's text corpora in English, Chinese, French, German, Hebrew, Italian, Russian, or Spanish." — Wikipedia

Using Ngram, I searched for "Oklahoma Octopus" and compared it with "Bigfoot," "Mothman," and "vampire."
Take a look at the results.
Note that "Oklahoma Octopus" doesn't actually appear on the graph. That's because Ngram has precisely zero references to that phrase in its entire database of books. That's not to say there are no books with that phrase, only that Google hasn't indexed them. However, based on the results, I think it's fair to say that the Oklahoma Octopus is entirely unknown—especially compared to any other cryptid you might plug into Ngram.

Usenet Archives

There are searchable Usenet Archives that go back to at least 1981. It's easy to find tens of thousands of posts about Bigfoot going back to the beginning of the archives.
Oklahoma Octopus?
The earliest mention is September 2008, only a few months before the Lost Tapes episode was released. There are only two posts about the Oklahoma Octopus, both from the same user. One is from September 2008 and another from January 2009, about a week after the episode was released.
The first post name drops a lot of well-known lake monsters and then mixes in the Oklahoma Octopus at the end. The sources linked at the bottom don't mention the Oklahoma Octopus.
The second post is just a link to a page that I found on the Wayback Machine that is essentially about the Lost Tapes episode (it even cites the Lost Tapes episode as the source of information.) It mentions a book published in 2007 that has a story about a man-eating octopus in Lake Thunderbird. The book Monster Spotter's Guide to North America by Scott Francis, published in 2007.
Now, we're getting somewhere! Finally, something older than the Lost Tapes episode!
Some searching turned up that in 2007, Rod Lott of the Oklahoma Gazette asked people who lived around the lakes if they knew of the giant octopus. The book had recently been released, and inquiring minds wanted to know if residents were familiar with the Oklahoma Octopus featured in it.
"Are giant octopi eating swimmers of Oklahoma lakes?"
Spoiler: No. They'd never heard of it.
Where do you go from here?
I actually own Monster Spotter's Guide to North America, and it's a great book. The illustrator created some fantastic drawings of a lot of the creatures. There are hundreds of monsters in it, and each has about a one-page entry overview. Scott did an excellent job on it, and the format of it reminds me of a book I used to have on birdwatching. He doesn't really claim anything about any of the monsters in it. For the Oklahoma Octopus entry and—this is where tracking the origin gets even more interesting—he only wrote about three sentences. And, more importantly, he never actually calls it the "Oklahoma Octopus." It's called "The Giant Freshwater Octopus," and he just describes that lakes in Oklahoma have a high rate of instances of drowning. Interestingly, in addition to Lake Thunderbird and Tenkiller, he mentions Lake Oologah. He says it has reddish-brown leather skin and is over twenty feet long.
That's it. There is no mention of Native American legends, teenager snacks, or how long the octopus(es) has been terrorizing the locals. This means, of course, all those "it is said" and "legend has it" came from somewhere else.
I tracked down the author of the 2007 book, Scott Francis. I also tracked down the illustrator of the book. I wrote to both of them, but I haven't heard back from either yet. If I do, I'll be sure and post an update. Just to be clear, I want to know if either of them remembers where they first heard about the octopus. If they do, then perhaps I can find another trail to follow. At this point, I have no reason to believe that Scott Francis invented this legend, but if he did, then he should be recognized for pulling one amazing dupe that ended up turning into an episode on Animal Planet. I'd be very impressed.
In Scott Francis's book, he references another, an older book by Loren Coleman from 2003 titled Field Guide to Lake Monsters, Sea Serpents, and Other Mystery Denizens of the Deep. It turns out, Loren Coleman was involved in the production of the show Lost Tapes. He's also a bit of a controversial figure. I really don't know enough about him to form an opinion on that, but, to Loren Coleman's credit, there's only one mention of Oklahoma in his book, and it's buried in a list of 1,000 sea monsters. It's not even about an octopus; it just mentions Lake Eufala, which, upon further research, seems to be a sighting from 1973 by two brothers of a creature similar to the Loch Ness monster. And that's where the trail goes cold. The references go into a loop, an echo chamber, a self-referential puzzle that feels like being stuck in a mirror maze at the carnival.
Loren's website has archives of articles about creatures, but none of them mention an octopus. He has written several other books, and I haven't read them all. But I did pick up a copy of Cryptozoology A to Z: The Encyclopedia of Loch Monsters, Sasquatch, Chupacabras, and Other Authentic Mysteries of Nature published in 1999 to see what secrets it may hold. There are 19 mentions of the word "octopus" in the book. None have anything to do with Oklahoma, though.
I found this stock photo titled \"red and white bear plush.\" So, it seems cephalopods have quite a bit of work to do.
One other theory I found is that someone in Oklahoma was jealous of fisherman John Mazurek, who caught an octopus in Lake Conway, Arkansas, in 2003. So jealous that they invented their own story but made the octopus way bigger and deadlier. The octopus John Mazurek caught was normal-sized and likely kept in an aquarium and then dumped into the lake for some reason.
Ultimately, this is the problem with cryptids. We just don't know. New species are discovered all the time, including in areas we know pretty well. That even extends to the human body. You'd think we would know everything about anatomy by now or at least have a complete catalog of bones and muscles. Nope. A muscle in the jaw was discovered in 2021.
If anyone reading this knows anything about the Oklahoma Octopus, get in touch—I'd love to hear about it and revisit this cryptid. Or, if your name is Scott Francis and you wrote Monster Spotter's Guide to North America, I'd love to find out where you originally heard about a giant octopus in Oklahoma and then continue with my hunt for the origin of the legend.
By the way, if you ever want to check out shows about monsters living in water and want to skip the mockumentaries featuring screaming "teenagers," then you will want to watch anything from Jeremy Wade.
Photo of Jeremy Wade, being awesome. Taken by David Shankbone, CC BY 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons
He's one seriously awesome person and really knows his stuff. Really, try any episode of any of these:

• Dark Waters
• River Monsters
• Mighty Rivers
• Jungle Hooks

Every single one of his shows is an adventure into chasing the mysteries lurking in deep waters.
As for the Oklahoma Octopus—if anyone knows any other trails to follow, I'd love to chase them down and see where they go.

Here's a little lighthearted (but still serious) attempt of me trying to uncover more about the Oklahoma Octopus and its origin. This is a fascinating legend regarding a lake cryptid. I ended up following some pretty interesting trails and I'm curious if anyone knows anything more about this creature.
-
Naturally, 'octopus' is always the first thing everyone thinks of when the state of Oklahoma comes up. The two are inseparable, like a sucker on a fish tank. But, of all the octopuses* in Oklahoma that we could focus on, which one should we pick?
^\ SIDE NOTE on) ^{pluralization—octopi, octopuses, or octopodes?}

The Oklahoma Octopus™

I'm talking THE Oklahoma Octopus.
Not all those other lesser-known ones that cover the state.
I'm sure you know to which one I'm referring. The one that's the size of a horse, reddish-brown leathery skin. The one that walks between lakes, stalking teenagers and pulling them down to watery deaths where they become a crunchy, juicy in the middle, cephalopod snack.

Cephalopods are incredibly intelligent, and a new meta-study shows they are sentient, along with mollusks and decapods. While they've been protected under various animal welfare acts for a while in different parts of the world, this new one says it's no longer okay to boil them alive (or eat them alive.) Apparently, if an animal is sentient, can feel pain, can experience joy or sadness, you should destroy its brain before chomping on it. Interesting conclusion.

For these types of creatures, aka cryptids, it's sometimes fun to try and trace the origin of the stories. Where did this giant freshwater alpha predator come from? Why does it eat teenagers? Which Native American tribes had legends about a massive man-eating octopus living in Oklahoma?
Continue reading to find out these things and more!
Now, I bet you were one of those lucky kids who learned to walk and then started using all the O's in your Alphabet Soup to spell out your favorite eight-legged cryptid. Me? I wasn't so lucky. I discovered the Oklahoma Octopus in the same way that many people come to know the terror of deep Oklahoma waters. I bought a laminated map of the USA off Amazon, stuck it on my wall, and then remembered to read it six months later.
The US is teeming with cryptid life!
Like me, I'm sure you could definitely point to Oklahoma on a map without even thinking about it (and, of course, every other state, because of the incredible public education system in the USA.) But, for those who didn't have the everyday pleasure of experiencing public education here, I can help. It only takes three simple steps.

• Step 1: Take a look at that map.
• Step 2: Learn the United States compass that we natives use. Forget about all those confusing things like North, South, East, and West. California is on the Left. Florida and New York are on the Right. Texas is Down. (That massive thing in the middle bottom.) Canada is Up.
• Step 3: See Texas? See that octopus hanging on top of Texas? That's Oklahoma. Now you know the secret all of us Americans use to find Oklahoma.

^(\** I use these exact instructions to impart cartographic skills to my non-US friends.)*
After getting this map from Amazon, I began researching the giant octopus on top of Texas. I'd never heard of it before, and I had to find out everything I could about it.
Internet Lore lays out the following Internet Facts:

• There's a horse-sized octopus in some Oklahoma lakes.
• It's red. Or brown.
• It eats people.

Honestly, I had to take a few weeks off after discovering this treasure trove. It was a lot to take in, but I wasn't satisfied with only one complete set of encyclopedias' worth of information. I'm sure you're exhausted by now but bear with me here as I detail my journey to uncover the origin of Cthulhu's cousin.

Eyewitness Accounts & Photographic Evidence

The first thing I did was look for eyewitness accounts or photographs. I didn't find either of those, no matter how much digging I did. Not even a "my cousin's brother's mom's boyfriend was out fishing" or a single blurry photo. Nothing. No eyewitnesses.

Which Lakes Does it Inhabit?

My second step was to find the exact locations of the sightings. That was difficult, considering there were no sightings. I came across a lot of "it is said" or "legend has it," so let's go with that, for now.
It is said that the killer octopus lives in Tenkiller Ferry Lake. Also, legend has it that the octopus lives in Lake Thunderbird. I assumed only one octopus was terrorizing both lakes because I couldn't find anything saying two octopuses.
Going off that assumption...
Those two lakes are only about 170 miles apart (274 kilometers.) That's about a 60-hour walk for humans.

Did you know?Americans spell it "kilometer" and everyone who actually uses this unit of measure, like Canada and the UK, spell it "kilometre."

It's a scientific fact that some species of octopus walk between pools of water—there's even video evidence of it. But, how fast do they walk? I couldn't find the land speed of a giant octopus anywhere except for Dungeons and Dragons monster stats, so I'm declaring D&D the authoritative source.
A Giant Octopus has a walking speed of 10 ft per turn.
170 miles is 897,600 feet.
That's 89,760 D&D turns.
Assuming the Giant Octopus uses all of its movement in its turn, and it's only traveling on land, and considering each round (1 turn per round) is about 6 seconds (D&D 5E rules)—it would take 538,560 seconds to walk between Tenkiller Ferry Lake and Lake Thunderbird.
That's about 150 hours. (Somebody please check my D&D math.)
Totally doable, especially if it moved at night and took cover in wet areas during the day. By the way, if it took the Dash action each turn, it could make it in half the time (I'm not accounting for levels of Exhaustion, of course.)
Now that we have established the logistics of moving a giant octopus between two lakes, let's move on to my other discoveries about this exotic creature.

Diet

Baby octopuses eat small things like copepods, larval crabs, and sea stars. Adult ones eat crabs, clams, snails, small fishes, and even other octopuses. None of those things live in Oklahoma lakes, but we already know that legend has it that the Oklahoma Octopus eats teenagers.

Lifespan

A regular octopus lives three to five years. Giant freshwater killer octopus? I'm not sure. I couldn't find anything on D&D for it, and I also couldn't find any way to calculate lifespan from D&D's Challenge Rating. If anyone knows how to do this, let me know. It is said that it's been stalking the lakes for decades, so you can use that as a cross-check on Challenge Rating to Lifespan math.
Also, there are no known species of freshwater octopus, so even if someone figures out that math, I don't know how to accommodate the freshwater-octopuses-don't-exist coefficient.

Origin

We know that this octopus lives in two lakes in Oklahoma. But, what is unique about those lakes? Well, first, there are no connecting inlets. Meaning, the octopus didn't move from the ocean to either of these lakes via water. From Tenkiller Ferry Lake, it's a straight shot of about 400 miles down to Houston and (644 km) to the nearest ocean. A very determined giant octopus who follows D&D 5E rules could probably do that, given enough time.
It is said that this octopus has been around for a very long time. According to many sources on the Internet, Native American legends simply overflow with stories of a giant octopus living in Oklahoma lakes going back at least hundreds of years. Never mind that both Tenkiller Ferry Lake and Lake Thunderbird are man-made and didn't exist until about the 1950s. And never mind the fact that those Native American legends of a giant octopus in Oklahoma lakes don't seem to exist.
There's also a huge problem when someone says "Native American legend" because the legends among tribes differ. Right now, there are 574 US federally recognized tribes. Thirty-eight of those are in Oklahoma. So, which "ancient Native American legend has it" about a giant killer octopus living in lakes created in the 1950s? There are cryptids with lore that name specific tribes, but not this one. What's happening here is a bit of hand-wavey legend obfuscation because if everything lacks specificity, there's no way to disprove it.
As a bit of an aside—when I try to track these legends down, I'll use the same terminology that people use to describe the legend, but I insert notes that I feel are important. Like this:

What is the correct terminology: American Indian, Indian, Native American, Indigenous, or Native?
All of these terms are acceptable. The consensus, however, is that whenever possible, Native people prefer to be called by their specific tribal name. In the United States, Native American has been widely used but is falling out of favor with some groups, and the terms American Indian or Indigenous American are preferred by many Native people. Native peoples often have individual preferences on how they would like to be addressed. When talking about Native groups or people, use the terminology the members of the community use to describe themselves collectively.
— https://americanindian.si.edu/nk360/faq/did-you-know

What stories can be found in Native American lore about octopuses?
Not a lot, but I did manage to find one—though it is a story that features humanoid creatures who have shapeshifted from animals—and not a giant killer octopus that eats people. But, if anyone reading this has more information, please send it my way.
So, if "legend has it" and "it is said" are wrong, then where did the story come from?
The most frequently cited source of information is a TV show called Lost Tapes that aired on Animal Planet from 2008-2010. Each episode features a cryptid or monster. It's done in a mockumentary/found-footage style, and each one is entirely fictional—they didn't use real stories from anyone. I watched the episode for the Oklahoma Octopus, and as you might guess, it's chock-full of unverified claims that contradict actual science, and it presents fiction as fact. Also, shaky camera work and screaming/sobbing "teenagers."
While reviewing the episode list for Lost Tapes, it became clear that they feature some very well-known and easily verifiable cryptids. Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Thunderbird, Mothman, and more generic ones like vampires, hellhounds, and lizardmen.
The Oklahoma Octopus is a strange, nearly unknown outlier in these big-name cryptids. Where did Lost Tapes get the story from? I tried contacting the show producers and story producers, but I haven't heard back yet.
I began digging into the phrase "Oklahoma Octopus" to find references that predated the show. I happened to know of a couple of tools for this.

Coast to Coast AM

If you're looking for information on a cryptid or really any strange phenomena, the Coast to Coast AM radio show is likely to have something. It's been running since 1988, and they constantly interview experts, witnesses, authors, and more about nearly any freaky thing you can imagine. Running searches on their articles and show archives turns up about 5,000 mentions of Bigfoot and 600 of vampires, but any combination of anything related to the Oklahoma Octopus nets precisely zero results.

Google Ngram Viewer

It's unlikely you are familiar with Ngram. The tool isn't exactly trending on Twitter or anything.

"The Google Ngram Viewer or Google Books Ngram Viewer is an online search engine that charts the frequencies of any set of search strings using a yearly count of n-grams found in sources printed between 1500 and 2019 in Google's text corpora in English, Chinese, French, German, Hebrew, Italian, Russian, or Spanish." — Wikipedia

Using Ngram, I searched for "Oklahoma Octopus" and compared it with "Bigfoot," "Mothman," and "vampire."
Take a look at the results.
Note that "Oklahoma Octopus" doesn't actually appear on the graph. That's because Ngram has precisely zero references to that phrase in its entire database of books. That's not to say there are no books with that phrase, only that Google hasn't indexed them. However, based on the results, I think it's fair to say that the Oklahoma Octopus is entirely unknown—especially compared to any other cryptid you might plug into Ngram.

Usenet Archives

There are searchable Usenet Archives that go back to at least 1981. It's easy to find tens of thousands of posts about Bigfoot going back to the beginning of the archives.
Oklahoma Octopus?
The earliest mention is September 2008, only a few months before the Lost Tapes episode was released. There are only two posts about the Oklahoma Octopus, both from the same user. One is from September 2008 and another from January 2009, about a week after the episode was released.
The first post name drops a lot of well-known lake monsters and then mixes in the Oklahoma Octopus at the end. The sources linked at the bottom don't mention the Oklahoma Octopus.
The second post is just a link to a page that I found on the Wayback Machine that is essentially about the Lost Tapes episode (it even cites the Lost Tapes episode as the source of information.) It mentions a book published in 2007 that has a story about a man-eating octopus in Lake Thunderbird. The book Monster Spotter's Guide to North America by Scott Francis, published in 2007.
Now, we're getting somewhere! Finally, something older than the Lost Tapes episode!
Some searching turned up that in 2007, Rod Lott of the Oklahoma Gazette asked people who lived around the lakes if they knew of the giant octopus. The book had recently been released, and inquiring minds wanted to know if residents were familiar with the Oklahoma Octopus featured in it.
"Are giant octopi eating swimmers of Oklahoma lakes?"
Spoiler: No. They'd never heard of it.
Where do you go from here?
I actually own Monster Spotter's Guide to North America, and it's a great book. The illustrator created some fantastic drawings of a lot of the creatures. There are hundreds of monsters in it, and each has about a one-page entry overview. Scott did an excellent job on it, and the format of it reminds me of a book I used to have on birdwatching. He doesn't really claim anything about any of the monsters in it. For the Oklahoma Octopus entry and—this is where tracking the origin gets even more interesting—he only wrote about three sentences. And, more importantly, he never actually calls it the "Oklahoma Octopus." It's called "The Giant Freshwater Octopus," and he just describes that lakes in Oklahoma have a high rate of instances of drowning. Interestingly, in addition to Lake Thunderbird and Tenkiller, he mentions Lake Oologah. He says it has reddish-brown leather skin and is over twenty feet long.
That's it. There is no mention of Native American legends, teenager snacks, or how long the octopus(es) has been terrorizing the locals. This means, of course, all those "it is said" and "legend has it" came from somewhere else.
I tracked down the author of the 2007 book, Scott Francis. I also tracked down the illustrator of the book. I wrote to both of them, but I haven't heard back from either yet. If I do, I'll be sure and post an update. Just to be clear, I want to know if either of them remembers where they first heard about the octopus. If they do, then perhaps I can find another trail to follow. At this point, I have no reason to believe that Scott Francis invented this legend, but if he did, then he should be recognized for pulling one amazing dupe that ended up turning into an episode on Animal Planet. I'd be very impressed.
In Scott Francis's book, he references another, an older book by Loren Coleman from 2003 titled Field Guide to Lake Monsters, Sea Serpents, and Other Mystery Denizens of the Deep. It turns out, Loren Coleman was involved in the production of the show Lost Tapes. He's also a bit of a controversial figure. I really don't know enough about him to form an opinion on that, but, to Loren Coleman's credit, there's only one mention of Oklahoma in his book, and it's buried in a list of 1,000 sea monsters. It's not even about an octopus; it just mentions Lake Eufala, which, upon further research, seems to be a sighting from 1973 by two brothers of a creature similar to the Loch Ness monster. And that's where the trail goes cold. The references go into a loop, an echo chamber, a self-referential puzzle that feels like being stuck in a mirror maze at the carnival.
Loren's website has archives of articles about creatures, but none of them mention an octopus. He has written several other books, and I haven't read them all. But I did pick up a copy of Cryptozoology A to Z: The Encyclopedia of Loch Monsters, Sasquatch, Chupacabras, and Other Authentic Mysteries of Nature published in 1999 to see what secrets it may hold. There are 19 mentions of the word "octopus" in the book. None have anything to do with Oklahoma, though.
One other theory I found is that someone in Oklahoma was jealous of fisherman John Mazurek, who caught an octopus in Lake Conway, Arkansas, in 2003. So jealous that they invented their own story but made the octopus way bigger and deadlier. The octopus John Mazurek caught was normal-sized and likely kept in an aquarium and then dumped into the lake for some reason.
Ultimately, this is the problem with cryptids. We just don't know. New species are discovered all the time, including in areas we know pretty well. That even extends to the human body. You'd think we would know everything about anatomy by now or at least have a complete catalog of bones and muscles. Nope. A muscle in the jaw was discovered in 2021.
If anyone reading this knows anything about the Oklahoma Octopus, get in touch—I'd love to hear about it and revisit this cryptid. Or, if your name is Scott Francis and you wrote Monster Spotter's Guide to North America, I'd love to find out where you originally heard about a giant octopus in Oklahoma and then continue with my hunt for the origin of the legend.
By the way, if you ever want to check out shows about monsters living in water and want to skip the mockumentaries featuring screaming "teenagers," then you will want to watch anything from Jeremy Wade.
He's one seriously awesome person and really knows his stuff. Really, try any episode of any of these:

• Dark Waters
• River Monsters
• Mighty Rivers
• Jungle Hooks

Every single one of his shows is an adventure into chasing the mysteries lurking in deep waters.
As for the Oklahoma Octopus—if anyone knows any other trails to follow, I'd love to chase them down and see where they go.

So me and my rag-tag crew are making an heist in our 5e game, and i would like to know if there was a Semi-Truck other then the trailblazer and the hellhound, because the trailblazer could fit our heist but isn't optimal and the hellhound is a bit too much out there for what we are looking at.
Since I'm on mobile the wikis aren't really helpful and my lack of English is not helping either. So I'm shooting my shot here.

**Info about myself:**
​
- I am extroverted with social anxiety. Once I know a group is safe, I am a social butterfly.
- My characters tend to break the mold.
- 18+
- They/Them
- Only speaks English
- Night Owl
- Leftist
- Neurodivergent (ND)
- Intolerant towards right-wing ideology and ableism.
- Willing to RP certain kinks (DM me about them, please).
- Voice and text only. No video calls.
- Discord is preferred. I can use Roll20 for the visuals.
​
**RPG Experience:**
​
- I have played DnD 5e a few times. I want to learn how to DM for my family and friends someday.
- I have DMed for Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20A.
​
**I own at least one physical book of the following TTRPGs:**
​
- DnD 5e
- Werewolf the Apocalypse 20A
- Vampire the Masquerade 5e
- Ironclaw 2e
- Pugmire
- Madcap
​
**Wanting to play:**
​
- Above mentioned TTRPGs
- Changeling: The Dreaming
- Tails of Equestria
- Big Eyes, Small Mouth 4e
- Legend of Zelda: Reclaim the Wild
- Overworld*
​
**Favorite topics:**
​
- High fantasy
- Creature Collector (Pokemon, Digimon, etc.)
- Vampires
- Werewolves
- Pirates
- Dinosaurs and other giant reptiles
- Cats
- Mixed Universes (Think of stuff like Smash Bros.)
- Vaporwave
- Synthwave
​
**Readied DnD 5e Characters:**
​
- Tobias Rat-Catcher, a pirate swashbuckler tabaxi.
- Feletah, a witch-hunting magical school girl (Circle of the Stars druid) half-orc.
- Theren Liadon**, an acolyte Oath of Vengence paladin high elf.
- Daefiel Withrethin**, a noble bard half-elf.
- Sarza, a were-hellhound (has some homebrew).
​
**Planned DnD 5e Characters:**
​
- Diego Willman, a human burglar.
- Dave S. Hopkins, a human or satyr outlander ranger.
- Lucaino Willman, a human actor and spellcaster with dark magic.
- A druid that can polymorph into a raptor.
- My Miitopia characters
- A male dark elf from the DnD Arcade Game.
​
**Readied Characters for other TTRPGs:**
​
- Seth Dorantes, A Homid Galliard born as a Black Fury (WtA)
​
**Planned Characters for other TTRPGs:**
​
- The Silly Ewe (Madcap)
- A satyr or pooka (CtD)
​
**Other characters I want to use:**
​
- Hawk (Fortnite: Save the World mode)
- Spoone (Breath of the Wild)
- Sniper, Medic, Scout, Engineer, and Pyro (Team Fortress 2)
- The Duke of Gravity (Rockband series)
​
*This TTRPG was created by a Reddit user, so the following link is the only documentation to the system:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SJOgb6DFEScNuGRdt_B4-XL5CQRXei2IHhajXSEmhtk/
​
** These characters are created for 18+ games and they will involve my kinks. I would like to discuss their use beforehand.

TW for physical assault and abuse as overarching themes
This isn't a throwaway, DM doesn't use Reddit though he certainly acts like he does. How do I know this? He's my father. Who I live with. Fun.
I also want to preface this - I was definitely an asshole too! I do things in this story that I regret, that maybe deserve parts of what happened, but in part I feel justified because this event is after eighteen years of bullshit. It doesn't make me right and it doesn't make him right either.
There are three key players - me, my father and my best friend. Some context, I have autism (diagnosed as Asperger's) and he likely does too (though not diagnosed), and we're both hoarders (me less so than him and him less so than his father, but it's noticeable). He also hasn't had a job since I was five but that's just to explain why he has so much time on his hands.
My name is Soul (that's my real name, chose it based off my edgy 11 year old username, yes). My father, I'll just be calling him 'Dad' or whatever, no need for cutesy codenames, though I'll call my friend Starscream since she loves Transformers and that character.
My dad and I have an odd relationship - he's my abuser, I'll say that bluntly, mostly emotional though in the past year it's gotten closer to physical, but at the same time I'm only able to enjoy things like this with him. Video games, TV, etc., my mum and I have never liked the same stuff but my dad is more into it. We watched Supernatural together, played games like Diablo II and Dynasty Warriors, and most importantly we both enjoy DND.
I say we, I mean he did and when I was younger I and my sister (his kid but not my mum's, for context, though she cut contact with him a few years ago, and we only started talking again within the year) got roped into it. I don't remember a lot of my childhood and I only vaguely remember Maria, my DND character at the time, a Human Fighter. She comes back later.
Starscream and I also used to play with his miniatures and map boards and his other models - we didn't use them for DND, we used them for whatever game we came up with, which often included weird lore since even back then I love to create worlds. He had a lot of miniatures and boards and basically just a ton of game stuff - when my mum and I briefly moved out for three years, my old bedroom became his game room where he stored all the stuff that wouldn't fit in his bedroom. Again, he's a hoarder.
About three years ago, when my friends and I left secondary school, we celebrated with a DND campaign - a oneshot session that was absolutely crack, including highlights of Starscream seducing an incel while the rest of our party stole his belongings, half the party getting stuck in the same hole TWICE, my character getting eaten by a mimic chest and being abandoned for Hole Shenanigans, another character doing the tango with a tree branch and my character speaking to the Big Bad Dragon through kettle whistling because I was laughing so hard. Very murder hoboy, but understand that we were a bit tipsy, and we'd all agreed that this would be a chaotic game (after all, one character, a monk, was named Rockstar after the Nickelback song).
This got me back into DND but shortly after we had an out of game disagreement with the DM and she left our friendship circle. The guy who played Rockstar initially wanted to DM but was too busy and that's how it stayed for the next few years.
One day though, I got a little bit of DND brain rot and after a few weeks of this, that wiggled its way into a 30+ page Google doc detailing lore of a magic school, eight regions, just over forty homebrew deities and a lot of NPCs to love, which Starscream helped with (she made the regions and part of the deities - I don't mind doing a lot of the work, after all I was practically breathing in DND, damned hyperfixating brain). This was all custom made for my friend circle, but very poorly timed since they've gone off to university. Damn it Soul.
Seeing my interest, Dad wanted to play DND with me. Before the Bad Times of 2020, he would frequent a games group and while I went once (and played Angry Birds), it turned out they were playing DND. And that he'd been playing for years, since he was fifteen (he's now in his mid fifties). He'd obviously not been able to go to his group and so was just sitting on DND.
I was excited - I'd not started properly developing my own world yet and hoped that maybe, when my friends were able to, he could DM a game for us. Though one downside - he only liked 3.5, and my friends and I played 5e. This is a whole thing that comes into play later.
The first game I played with him was just a one-on-one, just us two since it was 1am on a weekday. I asked about making a new character, but he immediately turned that down and gave me Maria. The character I made when I was, what, seven? She was a Human Fighter and honestly I didn't want to play that, but he was insistent, probably because I was 'new'. I suppose that my crackhead game of DND with my friends wasn't a real game in his eyes, it was pretty RP heavy and obviously there was a lot of toying with the rules. I'd played a Tiefling Bard in that and wanted to play something similar, since he'd been fun! But here I was with Maria. I didn't even get to use the same miniature I used to use for her, because she was a Human and the miniature was an Elf or something.
Honestly, the first session went okay? My character was a Level 3 I believe, and she was riding through the forest on a horse when she heard a noise. Investigating that, she found a turned over carriage, two horses by a ditch and a Dwarf (I dunno his class or name) and a Wizard (I dunno her race or name) fighting some goblins. I've RPed outside DND before - thanks Discord and weird hyperfixations! - so I knew I enjoyed that aspect, but I'd not done much combat. So, instead of having Maria immediately join the fight, I tell Dad that she immediately runs toward the horses to get them to safety.
This is probably the most fun thing that happened in the two session game. The image of the Dwarf and Wizard fighting for their lives age being ambushed by goblins, everyone pausing to stare at the armoured stranger ignoring the skirmish to check on the horses makes me smile. However, once she gets the horses fixed, she joins the fight and even though it's just me, I'm pretty bored since he's rolling for the Dwarf, Wizard and the goblins and while I'm kind of RPing it, he's not.
This is already long and this isn't even the campaign that caused the table to be thrown, so I'll summarise - after that fight, the Dwarf and Wizard decide to stick with Maria and bring her to their base, where a second combat happens (with orcs and goblins and their weird hellhound dogs that I can't tame :() . Maria flirts with the Wizard (A WOMAN!) because I'm bored by the basic character and decide 'hey this will be interesting, have her be a flirt'.
Dad is a bit surprised since I don't show much interest in women, and responds by having Maria and the Dwarf drink together and then an awkward scene where Maria wakes up, the Dwarf standing over her grinning holding something... her breakfast. Honestly, not too bad, but very uncomfortable, so I kinda up the ante by making Maria flirt more with the Wizard and even defend her later.
I think this happened in the second session? They team up with a third character, a Halfling Druid perhaps because he has a little badger friend, and they make their way to the Tower of Darkness. If it sounds like I'm skipping over details, it's not just because I'm rushing it's because I don't remember parts of the campaign. Two sessions, both about an hour or two each, and I don't remember things. I have memory issues (my brain is too filled with knowledge /j) but I remember my friend's campaign three years ago better, God.
The second session has a lot more combat - a fight on the way to the Tower, a second fight, a fight to get in the Tower, a fight inside the tower and we end it right after a last fight to get to the door to the stairs. And then we just never picked it back up.
At this point, I've decided I'm not keen on combat. Or at least his combat, because he had like three characters to go through and then the actual enemies. I know combat is a staple of DND but so is RP and character interaction and it being a team game. So, I ask Starscream to get involved. She was at the crack DND game, she's my longest mate who lives down the road, and she's shown interest in it before (and we'd write the DND lore together, obviously).
This time I'm not forced to play a Human Fighter and I go all out - I play Kalotir, a Half-Orc himbo Warlock who got his powers from gambling when a cocky warlock put his patronage on the line. He's not used to his powers and I made this clear to Dad. This will also return.
Starscream meanwhile plays Pranee, an Air Genasi Sorcerer. I don't know her backstory but when recreating her on DNDBeyond, Starscream chose to have her be a Sage. We spent an entire day making these characters and it was boring as hell but we lived. We're both Level 1 which ALSO comes back later. And then, the next time Starscream came over, we were gaming.
It opens up. I don't remember much of the start, just that we'd met up and have been travelling in the wilderness for some time. Honestly, adventures in the wild sounds way more fun than the session we had but whatever. Immediately we get thrown into combat with some goblins, and I didn't actually remember how we got into the fight until Dad cleared it up later (apparently we'd heard a woman scream and investigated it and oh no the goblins were kidnapping her).
Like before the RP elements were the more fun part - Kalotir, being an idiot and not used to having powers, opted to throw his spear at the goblins. He missed, and, really not being intelligent, runs into the middle of battle toward the goblins to pick it back up, throw it again and then run after it. At one point he stopped right in front of a goblin, which tries to attack but missed. Kalotir turned to the goblin. And punched him. One hit kill. Starscream and I go wild.
We eventually escape the combat, and we spend the next thirty minutes of the session looking for Kalotir's spear which causes us to find a giant centipede or caterpillar nest. Right after a fight with a bunch of goblins, we're fighting with a big old bug. Combat drags on, even with Dad not having like seventy characters to roll for, Starscream is bored as well as we fight the second fight, but we get loot that doesn't matter since this was the only session we played.
Combat finishes, we get a chest and we get Kalotir's spear back and we walk through the wilderness. This part, I don't even remember but we stopped and talked to somebody who was rude to Kalotir for being a half-orc, then someone defended him and then they just left. And Dad told us we were going to the city. And then the session ended outside the city gates.
Okay, so apparently a Scout watched us fight, and I vaguely remember her, but not enough apparently to separate her from the person who talked to us, a Sargeant or however it's spelt. The only character difference was that one of them was racist and the other was less so but only because she saw Kalotir hold himself up in battle. And apparently the reason we went to the city was because of a call to arms. About what? Dunno! And that was the hook - why do the city want adventurers? Starscream and I didn't bite. Apparently Pranee and Kalotir read a piece of paper and decided 'okay we'll go'. It was just boring, plus the combat being boring, and the characters being so similar that I remembered them as the same person until Dad told me otherwise, yeah, I dunno, I just wasn't entertained.
So. The argument. It's early September, I'm working on my lore doc with Starscream and I'm happy about it. I let Dad read it and he immediately tries to put it down. I don't remember how the argument started but we ended up 'discussing' his campaign and DND.

1. He doesn't like my campaign because 'it's 5e'. He thinks it's simplified and made easy for kids to get into, refusing to consider anything else. 3.5 is the best edition, and it's the only one he'll play (or, well DM, because when his game group opened again, they ended up playing 5e). I explain that DND became more popular so of course they were gonna make it a bit easier to learn, but no he won't have that. He continues to jab at me about this, making fun of me for preferring 5e and treating my hard work as less than simply because it's not his standard.
   
2. Characters. My dad has this weird thing where he doesn't think characters matter, and that making personalities and things to distinguish them from each other are a waste of time. I try to explain that he could just imply things, like how neat their clothes are or how well worn their armour is, how they compose themselves, but apparently that's bogging them down with details. Even in the first campaign there weren't many distinguishable characters, the Wizard, Dwarf and Halfling becoming more of an amalgamous blob. The Scout and Sargeant were the worst of the bunch, since he basically refused to characterise the latter because 'well it was dark and you can't see him' as if silhouettes, tone of voice and personality traits don't exist. As someone who loves writing, this got on my nerves.
   
3. Kalotir's backstory. Dad was pissed about how Kalotir got his powers, convinced that I was doing it to annoy him or to be a manipulator somehow by breaking the game. I explained that, no, I just think it'd be a fun character arc (another word he doesn't understand because of the second point) for Kalotir to learn how to wield and properly use his new powers. Maybe the warlock had cursed him, perhaps he could return to get his powers! I had to explain to him what a character arc was, but he thought I was wasting my time.
   
4. Levels. So apparently, Dad threw us into combat, knowing that I'm not a fan of it, because he wanted us to be a higher level. But why not just... have us be a higher level at the start? Well he wanted to introduce us to the game, despite the fact that Starscream and I had already played DND before, she knew how it worked. Neither of us needed hand holding! But he refused to accept that, saying that we needed to be introduced to the game.
   

Our argument went over a lot of topics, lasting for at least an hour or two at 2am, and DND was just one such topic. He was berating me, calling me names (spoilt bastard, a narcissist, a manipulative brat, etc.), making himself out to be the victim essentially. I used to remember a lot more but honestly I think I've started to repress some of the details of the argument.
When we argued about DND, it got really intense, at times he was nearly screaming at me, going bug eyed at me and red in the face. When I was talking about how characters are supposed to work on a basic level, he kept going off on tangents to get away from my point. This part I regret, and I know I was the asshole for doing.
I have this little wicker basket at my desk area (at the time my desk area was the coffee table) that I keep my rubbish in before I put it into the actual bin. It was full and it was the closest thing next to me, and I poured out the contents over his head in anger. He claims I hit him with it, but to my memory that's all I did. Not saying 'all' as in it wasn't bad, just that I didn't hit him.
He practically jumps out of his seat, hits the wicker basket away and starts stumbling around, his face red as he grabs the two nesting tables near him and launches them at me. I'd been backing away, immediately realising my fuck up, and so I was far enough away to not get smacked in the face. However the bigger one hit my wrist and the small one hit my thigh. There was juice or something on it because it splattered up my body and on the wall and door, staining them for a couple days.
I kind of dissociated, I know he was yelling at me but all I remember is standing by the door and staring at where I'd been hit until my mother came downstairs, woken up. I only remember trying to wipe away the juice, frozen in shock. Eventually I came back and argued my point, but with Mum there to tell us to shut up, the argument died and we stayed in silence until he went to bed before me.
My arm bruised badly, and a hematoma formed under the skin where the table made impact, but it's mostly healed now though I can sometimes feel a lump there. I reported the incident to the police but it took nearly two months for the police to visit me so I could make an actual report, and by then the details were fuzzy. I don't feel unsafe, but I'm still looking to move out into supported living because otherwise I'll have to wait until university.
That was the first time I got properly hit. He'd threatened me before (his words being he'd beat me to a pulp and that I wouldn't be able to call the police), and one time when I turned off his music because I was overstimulated (yay, autism), he shoved me into a bookcase and I hit my head.
Obviously I haven't played DND with him since, but it still gets brought up since Starscream and I are still working our stuff. We kinda made it to prove to him that we know what we're doing and 'Tablegate' as I call it is sort of a joke now (yay coping mechanisms). It's not a joke, obviously, but from the outside it's bizarre that DND caused something so violent.
I know that I did a lot of asshole stuff. I do asshole stuff all the time, I don't think myself a good person but neither is he, not at all. He's a gross, abusive man who commented on my underage (at the time) friends' chest sizes, defends people like Prince Andrew, blames women for that sort of stuff, has argued he should be allowed to say the N word, berates me and my mother (who herself is a whole can of worms and guilt tripping), who doesn't believe my mental health is that bad, basically raised me with the 'fact' that all my friends will abandon me.
Not to basically add a laundry list to defend myself, but he's not a good person and I don't think that I should have to play nice around him just to not get hurt, mentally or physically. The only reason I played DND with him in the first place was because I couldn't with anyone else - I didn't know about lfg at the time, lockdown was still a thing, none of my friends were doing it and I can't afford the money to pay for sessions. If I had any other option, I'd have gone for that.
I probably should have known better since our shared interests usually end up causing arguments - he once threw a remote at me during an argument about Supernatural, though it didn't hit me.
Luckily this hasn't made DND weird for me - my friend and I put in far too much work on our lore and worldbuilding for me to let go, plus making Tablegate a joke has helped me cope with the event.
I don't know if I should end this with a moral or a warning? If I had to, it'd be don't talk to my dad. But unless you're like my next door neighbour you're not gonna so yay!
Okay I dunno how to close this, peace out.
EDIT
Hi there, me again. When I originally made this post I was in a less than mentally stable state and it was both a cry for help and seeking attention (negative, like I really expected people to get mad at me for not posting something about D&D or who thought it was fake). Did not expect actual advice.
On that advice - I cannot act on parts of it. I can't live with friends - many have gone out of town to university and those who don't don't have stable home lives either, let alone room. We're all adults but we're all only recently adults too, so we're in an odd situation. I'm in contact with my LGBT youth group who have tried to help me get supported living but that's going to take a while and last I heard the report 'went through' and that's it. So it's either that or waiting until September to go to university and never look back.
I've been to hospital several times for attempts, the last time was in August before Tablegate. Every time, I have told them about my home life, and every time nothing happens. Mental health services aren't good here, I literally just go to a session or a Zoom call and then it takes another attempt to get any further. I'm disillusioned with the whole thing as every time I try, nothing happens. It's not even just the ambulance, it took nearly three months for the police to come talk to me about the events.
I know I've been defending my father. It's weird, he's honestly the worst person in my life but also someone I connect with. We both struggle with mental health issues and, even though he's the cause of mine, trauma from abuse. He's the one I can bond with over things I like (DND, TV shows, etc.) but he also belittles my mental health and obviously what happened. Overall I hate him but I suppose it's easier to point out the good parts when faced with criticism because of my confrontational home and lifestyle. I'm not good at handling that, even if it's not directed at me.
I didn't go into it but my mother is also a piece of work. She's not as obviously bad as my father but she's constantly guilt tripping and gaslighting me and has happily admitted to doing horrible stuff in the past, like restraining child me at night with her body, telling 12 yo me that sometimes she hated me, and saying on my second hospital visit as I was throwing up that now I knew not to do it as if that'd cure my mental health issues. In my opinion, she and Dad are perfect for each other - Hell is other people and God knows they're the devil in each other's worlds.
I wish I could just be some Internet troll doing this for karma and awards or whatever Reddit users spam for, but this is unfortunately the life I got and currently, my only ways out are a year out from now. Honestly, I'm sorry as hell for putting you guys through this - I'm sure reading this longwinded pity party is traumatic in itself. And I know that I'll probably get questions or advice if anyone else sees this and maybe I'll be able to answer them.
Still working on my DND game with my friend. I think I mentioned that before but hey, gotta keep this relevant.

See these hellish pups across the editions on Dump Stat

While dogs are definitely man’s best friend, we should probably make an exception for the Hell Hound. These fire-breathing canines have a long and storied history, most of which involves killing adventurers just like you… pry cause they could sense deep down that you were a cat person. Whether you are a cat person or just a tasty snack, these beasts like their meat well done as they bathe you with their fire breathe before they rip the flesh from your bones.
 

OD&D - Hell Hound

No. Appearing: 2-8
Armor Class: 4
Move: 12
Hit Dice: 3-7
% in Lair: 25%
No. of Attacks: 1 bite
Damage/Attack: 1-6/bite
Treasure: C
*also has breath weapon

We first encounter the Hell Hound in the Greyhawk Supplement (1976) and we get a pretty basic description of these creatures. They are renowned for their foul disposition as they are evil and chaotic creatures. To match their loathing of pretty much everything, they are listed as reasonably intelligent, so while you could teach them to sit, roll over, or fetch, we doubt that Hell Fido is going to put up with you acting like you are in charge.
Now you might be curious what they look like, but it’s going to be pretty hard to actually see one. They are a bit of a ninja dog as they move far stealthier than you might think for a pup from hell, and in fact, they very often turn from being the prey to the predator. They can sniff out hidden creatures and can even detect hidden and invisible creatures and objects 75% of the time. If you can somehow hide from them, and you get a chance to gaze upon them, they have reddish-brown fur and they have a fiery breath, so they may even breathe in and out with small flames licking out. We recommend if you find yourself in this position, don’t mess with it and just hope you can stay hidden long enough for it to leave the area you are in.
Of course, if you do decide to make this foul-tempered doggo your best friend, you have quite a problem ahead of you. Your new would-be pet can breathe fire, though the range isn’t listed so we guess just on one person - or maybe if your DM is especially vicious, the entire party. The damage that a Hell Hound deals is based on their hit dice and they deal a number of d6s equal to that amount. So a hell pup with 3 hit dice only deals 3d6 for their fire breath while a Hell Hound with 7 hit dice will deal 7d6. If that isn’t enough to stop you from adopting them, just know that they are typically the pets of fire giants who aren’t known for being kind and understanding with their fiery temper.
 

Basic D&D - Hellhound

Armor Class: 4
Hit Dice: 3-7
Move: 120’ (40’)
Attacks: bite or breath
Damage: 1-6 or special
No. Appearing: 2-8
Save As: Variable
Morale: 9
Treasure Type: C
Alignment: Chaotic

The Hell Hound is so powerful that it isn’t found in the Basic Rules but rather shows up in the Holmes Box Set (1971), Moldvay Expert Box Set (1981), and in the BECMI Expert Rules Box Set (1983). While they largely remain the same as before, they do provide some updates to their lore and mechanics that can help run this good boy in a fight.
The Hell Hound is no longer just reasonably intelligent but highly intelligent. Are they going to drive a car or write a sonnet? Probably not. Are they going to be able to set up an undetectable ambush for your poor unsuspecting party? Definitely. Which has to be terrifying for you as we now know that Hell Hounds, while still reddish-brown, are the size of a small pony, standing about 4 to 5 feet at the shoulder. They easily tower over any dog, take that Great Danes!
If you end up fighting such hellish hounds, there are a few things to keep in mind. They are not immune to fire and its effects, so you can always swing your torch at them in a panic. When they attack, they only get one attack each round against a single creature and they roll a d6 to determine what attack they will make this turn. On a 1-2, they breathe fire in the space 5 feet in front of them, which means they only hit a single creature where it was rather questionable how many they got to hit before. If they roll a 3-6 on the d6 roll, they instead make a vicious bite attack, tearing into your flesh.
For their breath weapon, they deal the same damage on their breath weapon, which is dependent on their hit dice, and so be careful of stronger Hell Hounds if you were hoping to live. You can make a saving throw against the effect, taking half damage if you successfully dodge the fiery bad breath of this canine - though even that can be quite a bit of damage if you are facing a matured Hell Hound.
If you are still hoping to have the best doggo as your best friend forever, we hate to break it to you but they only like creatures who are into fire and are even made of fire. Their best friends are fire giants, and they can often be found near volcanoes, so we imagine fire newts and even red dragons might enjoy the Hell Hounds company. So if you are really hell-bent on making friends with a foul-tempered, evil canine… head for a volcano and hang out around the lava tubes and just maybe… you won’t burn to death until the Hell Hound gets to you.
 

AD&D - Hell Hound

Frequency: Very rare
No. Appearing: 2-8
Armor Class: 4
Move: 12”
Hit Dice: 4-7
% in Lair: 30%
Treasure Type: C
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 1-10
Special Attacks: Breathe fire
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: Standard
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Lawful evil
Size: M
Psionic Ability: Nil

The Hell Hound appears in the Monster Manual (1978) and one of the designers for this edition was obviously a cat person. The image given for the Hell Hound is just the first hurdle these poor creatures have to deal with as they appear to be emaciated jackals with a too-big head. While this isn’t by any stretch of the imagination a bad picture, it’s not a very frightening one which is a shame seeing how outright terrifying a devil’s best friend must be.
Of course, maybe we are just judging a book by its cover. Then we look over its intelligence and it is now low, instead of being highly intelligent and cunning it is now just a dumb dog. While they are still dangerously sneaky and stealthy, they lack the ability for elaborate plots and traps to spring and drag a screaming adventurer back to hell with them.
Where the Hell Hound gets knocked down is when it uses its fire breath attack. Before this point, our fire-breathing dog was breathing 1d6 damage per hit die it had. Now it's reduced to 1 damage per hit die. So that big mean 7 hit die Hell Hound no longer isn't going to burn you to a crisp since it can only singe your arm hair for 7 hit points of fire damage, and then only 4 points of damage if you can make a save against breath weapons. You even have a better chance of hiding from the Hell Hounds now, as their eyesight only detects hidden or invisible creatures 50% of the time.
Our fire pup still has a few things going for it, so it's not all bad. It still can bite you, and that attack now does 1d10 damage. They can still move very stealthily, surprising you and your friend on a 1-4 roll on a d6. On the flip side, you only have a 1 in 6 chance of sneaking up on them since they have keen hearing. Fire Giants still love these fiery animals and will, along with other creatures, keep them as guard dogs for their lairs. At least we know someone still loves their Hell Hounds.
 

2e - Hell Hound

Climate/Terrain: Any land
Frequency: Very rare
Organization: Pack
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Carnivore
Intelligence: Low (5-7)
Treasure: C
Alignment: Lawful evil
No. Appearing: 2-8
Armor Class: 4
Movement: 12
Hit Dice: 4-7
THAC0: 4 HD: 17, 5-6 HD: 15, 7 HD: 13
No. of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 1-10
Special Attacks: Breathe fire
Special Defenses: See below
Magic Resistance: Standard
Size: M
Morale: Elite (13)
XP Value: 4 HD: 420 / 5 HD: 650 / 6 HD: 975 / 7 HD: 1,400

First appearing in the Monstrous Compendium Volume 2 (1989) and then reprinted in the Monstrous Manual (1993), we encounter a Hell Hound that is starting to look more like the dog we would all expect to see on a trip through hell. Like in the 1st edition, Hell Hounds aren’t from the material plane but brought here to serve evil masters. They can be found roaming the extradimensional planes where a hot, fiery landscape is the norm which sounds suspiciously a lot like hell. If found in such a location, you’ll most likely encounter a pack of these mangy beasts, with up to 40 of them frolicking amongst the lava, happy to rip you to shreds if you get too close like the foul natured dogs they are. Many who make their way to the material world do so as servants and guard dogs for powerful entities, though a life of servitude isn’t for the Hell Hound, and many will escape and find places to settle down and burn down a forest. Even though they literally breathe fire, they only create the second most forest fires with the number one spot belonging to those pesky humans who just ruin everything.
If you are so unlucky as to be attacked by a pack of Hell Hounds, you don’t have to fret too much. Each pack is led by a single 7 hit dice Hell Hound and the rest of them are between 4 and 6 hit dice, of course, you still have up to 8 of these creatures to fight at a time, so maybe don’t celebrate too soon. If you are curious how strong these creatures might be, there is some disagreement between the publications. In the Monstrous Compendium, the weakest among them are only worth 270 XP with the strongest being 975 XP; while the Monstrous Manual sets them at 420 XP and 1,400 XP respectively. For those used to the CR system, its roughly about a CR 1/2 for 270 XP, CR 1 for 420 XP, CR 2 for 975 XP, and CR 3 for 1,400 XP - so not kill you immediately powerful, but still not a joke to mess around with, especially as a pack.
If you are hoping to avoid encountering a pack of Hell Hounds, be on the watch for the remains of forest fires or badly burned tree trunks. The territory for a single pack can be up to 14 square miles, at the center of which is their den that is badly scorched thanks to the pack’s pups who uncontrollably belch fire instead of being more decisive about when they can utilize their breath weapon. You aren’t likely to visit this den, even if you become the pack’s food, as they like to eat where they killed a creature, but they aren’t above bringing back doggie bags filled with their leftovers to their den so they can throw you in the back of the fridge and forget they have you for a few weeks before tossing you out with the trash once you start smelling a bit funky. Or they’ll just feed their leftovers to their pups, of which there are about 2 to 8 of them in each litter.
But if you are hoping to meet these dangerous predators, it's pretty much the same thing as previous editions. They have red and brown fur, glowing red or brown eyes, and jet black teeth and claws. They are incredibly sneaky and capable of surprising pretty much anything the pack puts their mind to. They can detect hidden and invisible creatures 50% of the time each round and, unlike other hunting dogs, do not bay when they pick up their prey’s scent. Instead, they remain deadly quiet as they stalk through the forest, only baying once they attack.
When they do attack, they first breathe out fire and they are now capable of targeting a creature up to 30 feet away. They won’t hit anyone else along the path, as they seem to have very good control on their flames, but if they do connect, they’ll deal damage equal to the number of hit dice they possess, and you get a saving throw to avoid taking all that damage. After that, they charge into melee and just go straight for your throat as they bite and tear. They’ll only use their breath weapon again in a fight if they roll a 20 on the d20 for their attack, in which case they grab on to you with their jaws and then breathe fire point-blank into you. We aren’t sure if that means you don’t get a saving throw but we can only imagine, even if you do save against it, you are in incredible pain afterward.
In the category of Did you Know…, in the book Legends and Lore (1990), we find out the goddess Hecate has a fondness for Hell Hounds. As the goddess of the night, she travels with a pack of these fire-breathing dogs and has no qualms setting them loose on any travelers she encounters on her nightly strolls. Her avatar even has a Hell Hound at her disposal and never travels without it. Maybe she met one of these dogs on a visit to Hades to see her best friend, Persephone. Or it could just be she has a soft spot for fire-breathing dogs that everyone else is scared of.
 

3e/3.5e - Hell Hound

Medium Outsider (Evil, Extraplanar, Fire, Lawful)
Hit Dice: 4d8+4 (22 hp)
Initiative: +5
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares)
Armor Class: 16 (+1 Dex, +5 natural), touch 11, flat-footed 15
Base Attack/Grapple: +4/+5
Attack: Bite +5 melee (1d8+1 plus 1d6 fire)
Full Attack: Bite +5 melee (1d8+1 plus 1d6 fire)
Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Breath weapon, fiery bite
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., immunity to fire, scent, vulnerability to cold
Saves: Fort +5, Ref +5, Will +4
Abilities: Str 13, Dex 13, Con 13, Int 6, Wis 10, Cha 6
Skills: Hide +13, Jump +12, Listen +7, Move Silently +13, Spot +7, Survival +7*
Feats: Improved Initiative, Run, Track
Environment: Nine Hells of Baator
Organization: Solitary, pair, or pack (5-12)
Challenge Rating: 3
Treasure: None
Alignment: Always lawful evil
Advancement: 5–8 HD (Medium); 9-12 HD (Large)
Level Adjustment: +3 (cohort)

Appearing up first in the Monster Manual (2000/2003), the Hell Hound is worming its way to the top. Big news for those looking to breed these hellish dogs is that they originate from the plane of Acheron, though can be found in such evil and lawful places like the Nine Hells and the material plane because people just can’t help themselves. If you are heading for such planes to get your own dogs, hopefully, you bring a party of stout adventures as these beasts stand over 4 feet tall at the shoulder. While they might tower above most dogs, they are quite skinny as they only weigh 120 pounds, easily being outweighed by Great Danes that are over a foot shorter than them.
These creatures don’t see much change in the way they hunt, though now their fire breathing is all the deadlier - depending on the version of 3rd edition you are using. In 3e, their damage is only 1d4+1 fire damage and affects a 30-foot cone while in 3.5e, their damage is 2d6 and only affects a 10-foot cone. We suppose dealing more damage is an acceptable trade-off for having a smaller area of effect, but we can’t help but want both for our danger dingoes. In each version, they can use their breath weapon every 2d4 rounds, so in some combats, they might get multiple flames off but it isn’t likely.
On top of their breath weapon, they also have a bite attack whose effectiveness is based on the version you are going off of. For 3e, they only deal 1d8+1 damage on a bite, while in 3.5e they deal 1d8+1 damage plus 1d6 fire damage AND their attack counts as evil and lawful for overcoming certain damage resistance. We prefer the 3.5e version as it means that every time they bite you, they also pre-cook your flesh for their eventual dinner once you finally stop being such a nuisance and let them kill you.
We are also introduced to the Nessian Warhound in 3.5e. This elite breed of Hell Hound can be found underneath Asmodeus’ castle in Nessus, where he keeps these terrifying creatures. They are coal-black, the size of a draft horse, and accessorize well when they don their infernal chainmail shirt. Essentially they are Hell Hounds on enough steroids to kill an elephant. The Warhound has a CR of 9, whereas the lowly Hell Hound only has a CR of 3, which means they are stronger, deadlier, and maybe the best hell boys we can think of.
The Monsters of Faerûn (2001) uses the Hell Hound as its beast du jour to create the Hell Hound Beast of Xvim. Who is this Xvim, you ask? This mean and spiteful diety’s full name is Iyachtu Xvim and prefers to make his presence known by injecting a tiny bit of his corrupted will into carnivorous and evil-natured animals and monsters. When he does this, the creature grows larger, its eyes glow emerald green, and the Hell Hound’s fire breath now glows green instead of red when it breaths on you. Beasts of Xvim are always ill-tempered and violent, but that’s not much different than your typical Hell Hound’s personality.
The Book of Vile Darkness (2002), not surprisingly, mentions the Hell Hound in various contexts. The Mortal Hunter prestige class are fiends whose sole goal in life is to hunt mortals and kill them, and they will use Hell Hounds to track their prey. We know that the Hell Hound is from Acheron, but they also live in large packs in cities of Baator, those lovely places we talked about with the chain devil. The archdevil Mammon is the proud owner of a pack of massive Hell Hounds he takes with him when he hunts. These cute little doggies have all the traits of a normal Hell Hound, just amped up to a level fitting for a pet to a Lord of Hell.
Fiend Folio (2003) brings us the Haraknins, a type of Canomorph whose hound form is that of a Hell Hound. A Canomorph is often thought to be a type of fiendish lycanthrope, when in fact, they are a fiendish hound that has learned to assume humanoid form. The Haraknin is not a product of evolution, instead, they were created by devils and demon lords to hunt, track, guard, and of course, kill other creatures on the material plane. These creatures retain all the traits of a Hell Hound and can also assume a humanoid form and gain class levels, like becoming a barbarian. While the Haraknins are the weakest of the three types of Canomorphs, they have the largest population, and like a dog with a bone, are the most steadfast and stubborn of their kind. The other two kinds of Canomorphs are the shadurakuls, who are shadow mastiffs, and vultivors, who are vorrs. Shadurakuls are the most powerful of these three, though they are constantly having to defend against attacks from the Haraknin, all the while the vultivors watch from the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
In Exemplars of Evil (2007), Hell Hounds are prominent in the chapter discussing the fire giant queen Valbryn Morlydd. Valbryn is the ruler of Gilgirn, the fiery mountain stronghold that was the birthplace of the fire giant. Hell Hounds can be found throughout the castle, guarding various locations and individuals within. There are numerous statues of Hell Hounds throughout, and even a large kennel where they live and the pups are kept. While Hell Hounds aren’t a creature you probably want to fight, these particular canines should be avoided at all costs, as they will attack you on sight and always fight to the death. They are fiercely loyal to Valbryn, though she keeps a tight leash on them, culling their numbers when there are too many in her stronghold.
 

4e - Hell Hound

Level 7 Brute
Medium elemental beast (fire) / XP 300
Initiative +5/ Senses Perception +11
Fire Shield (Fire) aura 1; any creature that enters or begins its turn in the aura takes 1d6 fire damage.
HP 96; Bloodied 48
AC 20; Fortitude 18, Reflex 17, Will 18
Resist 20 fire
Speed 7
Bite (standard; at-will) ✦ Fire +10 vs. AC; 1d8 + 2 plus 1d8 fire damage.
Fiery Breath (standard; recharge 4-6) ✦ Fire Close blast 3; +9 vs. Reflex; 2d6 + 3 fire damage.
Alignment Unaligned / Languages -
Str 14(+5) Dex 14 (+5) Wis 17 (+6) Con 16 (+6) Int 2 (-1) Cha 10 (+3)

As many of our readers probably know by now, 4th edition has no issue with slaughtering the sacred cows of previous editions, and the Hell Hound found in the Monster Manual (2008) didn’t escape this slaughter untouched. This best boy is now listed under the “Hound” category, grouped with the shadow hound and wild hunt hound. To go along with the big change that giants were created by primordials, the Hell Hound is also an elemental and created by primordials when the multiverse was still quite young. They are only known by the nomenclature of Hell Hound because they appear fiery, though we have to imagine more than a few devils would love to have their pet made of literal flames.
The basics of the Hell Hound remain the same, as they bite and breathe fire, though their cone is reduced… or expanded… to a 15-foot cone. In addition, if you find yourself getting just a smidge too close to these lovable hellions, they exude of aura of fire within 5 feet around them, dealing 1d6 fire damage to anyone within range. If the basic Hell Hound mutt isn’t enough for you, and you want a designer breed, the Firebred Hell Hound is for you. The Firebred is the result of selective breeding done by the fire giants over thousands of years. We all know that those giants will keep Hell Hounds as guard dogs, but they weren’t satisfied with questionable lineages and bred far more powerful and larger Hell Hounds until they got the horror that is the Firebred. They retain all the traits of their lesser cousins and also have a fiery burst ability. The fiery burst is precisely what it sounds like, as these powerful dogs can explode into flame, dealing a ton of fire damage to everyone within 15 feet of them.
 

5e - Hell Hound

Medium fiend, lawful evil
Armor Class 15 (natural armor)
Hit Points 45 (7d8 + 14)
Speed 50 ft.
STR 17(+3) DEX 12(+1) CON 14(+2) INT 6(-2) WIS 13(+1) CHA 6(-2)
Skills Perception +5
Damage Immunities fire
Senses darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 15
Languages understands Infernal but can't speak it
Challenge 3 (700 XP)
Keen Hearing and Smell. The hound has advantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks that rely on hearing or smell.
Pack Tactics. The hound has advantage on an attack roll against a creature if at least one of the hound's allies is within 5 feet of the creature and the ally isn't incapacitated.
Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 7 (1d8 + 3) piercing damage plus 7 (2d6) fire damage.
Fire Breath (Recharge 5-6). The hound exhales fire in a 15-foot cone. Each creature in that area must make a DC 12 Dexterity saving throw, taking 21 (6d6) fire damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one.

Appearing in the Monster Manual (2014), we are back to our roots and the Hell Hound is now a true fiend and returns to its home plane of Acheron. Based on the art for this edition, they are back to having a dark fur coating, but they have an inner glow within them, where the fire of their life stays lit, burning and consuming any flesh the Hell Hound rips off of its prey. While no specific size or weight is listed for these creatures, they are listed as medium-sized, which makes them at least as big as a mastiff, basilisk, or dragon wyrmling.
With their return to the Acheron and the lower planes, they stick to hunting in large packs scouring the battlefields of Acheron for any scraps they can find. Since most dogs think everything is possible food, we can’t help but think that the Hell Hounds will attack pretty much anything they encounter, assuming it is edible. This doesn’t make them mindless animals, however. They are just constantly hungry, mainly for your delicious flesh. Hell Hounds travel in packs in the wild, separating the weakest of a group of tasty-looking heroes first, then descending upon the remainder so long as they know they can win the fight. They capitalize on this with their pack tactics feature which grants them advantage on their attacks so long as their friends and allies are nearby.
Of course, we can’t end our look at the Hell Hound without first talking about their fire breath. They can exhale a 15-foot cone, hitting every creature in the area, though you do get a save to take half damage. Luckily, their breath weapon isn’t based on the number of hit dice they have and is a whopping 6d6 fire damage, far more dangerous than before.
Various creatures use the Hell Hound as a dangerous pet, training them as guard dogs from young pups. To a devil or fire giant, this makes the Hell Hound the perfect pet as their blistering fire breath is but a tickle to them. Being lawful evil, the Hell Hound will listen and obey the commands of its master, but those commands need to involved murder and mayhem, or it will turn its evil fury upon the hand that holds that refuses to feed their hellish instincts.

Past Deep Dives

Creatures: Aboleth / Ankheg / Beholder / Bulette / Chain Devil / Chimera / Couatl / Displacer Beast / Djinni / Dragon Turtle / Dryad / Flumph / Frost Giant / Gelatinous Cube / Ghoul / Giff / Gith / Gnoll / Grell / Harpy / Hobgoblin / Hook Horror / Invisible Stalker / Kobold / Kraken / Kuo-Toa / Lich / Lizardfolk / Medusa / Mimic / Mind Flayer / Neogi / Nothic / Otyugh / Owlbear / Rakshasa / Redcap / Rust Monster / Sahuagin / Scarecrow / Shadar-Kai / Slaadi / Tabaxi / Tiefling / Umber Hulk / Vampire / Werewolf / Wyvern / Xorn

Class: Barbarian Class / Cleric Class / Wizard Class

Spells: Fireball Spell / Lost Spells / Named Spells / Quest Spells / Wish Spell

Other: The History of Bigby / The History of the Blood War / The History of the Raven Queen / The History of Vecna